Oh My God, Oh My God

Last night I witnessed a piece of music history.
With special thanks to Thom for bringing the concert to my attention, last night I saw Vanilla Ice. Live. In Perth.
And it was so, so bad that it was good.
First, let me clarify the reason why I paid to go see Vanilla Ice - tickets were $42. I've paid more to see Australian bands than $42 so I think to have the opportunity to say you saw "Ice, Ice Baby" performed live - well, I'm sure you understand.

The night started badly. We got there at about 8.30pm, thinking that being a Sunday, the show might run a little earlier. We were wrong.
As a result, we had to endure two painstaking hours of (and I'm not exaggerating) the worst DJs I had ever heard. Not only were the songs they were playing awful, but the mixing was so atrocious it hurt my ears. We set a cut-off time for 10.30pm - if Vanilla Ice wasn't on by then we were leaving. He came on at 10.40 - and I was soooo glad I waited that extra ten minutes.

This is what he looks like these days - gone are the college jackets and the wavy fringe.
These days, Vanilla Ice is hardcore.

The second he walked onstage I knew I was in for something bad. The set was Halloween-themed, and I have to say, watching Vanilla Ice sing about smoking marijuana was pretty fucking scary.

I won't say too much more other than to give you a few details about the show:

• He was onstage with a guy called DJ Dirty Chopstick.
• His drummer was called Clint Eastwood.
• He rapped in a gravelly, hardcore voice about, well, being hardcore.
• One of his songs contained the lyric "I get crazy like prozac."
• Another song contained the chorus "Oh My God, Oh My God."
• Another song contained the chorus "Do you wanna hit on my joint? Hell Yeah! Do you wanna hit on my bong? Hell Yeah!" (Repeat times four)
• He played Ice Ice Baby.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, made it all worth it.

I can now say I have seen Ice, Ice Baby performed live. Who would've thought?
Oh, and a special shout-out to the random couple I saw with my own eyes wearing - wait for it - matching white tracksuits.
Shudder.

"If it bleeds, we can kill it."

My uncle bought me a limited edition DVD of Predator for Christmas. I have a list of movies that I never got around to seeing, and Predator was pretty high on that list. Until last night.
And it did not fail to disappoint.

It was Arnie at his cigar-smoking, troop-leading, wisecracking best.
And I loved every minute of it.

Among the best of the quotes from the movie (and there were lots of them) were:

1) Texan cowboy soldier called - wait for it - Blain, in the middle of a gunfight. Token geek (who was obviously the communications specialist for the team of crack commandoes) says to him:
"You're bleeding man."
Blain's response: "I ain't got time to bleed."

Brilliant!!

Followed closely by Arnie's comment when he sees that the predator they have been hunting has been hit by one of their bullets:
"If it bleeds, we can kill it."

It was cheesy, it was funny, it was full of gratuitous violence - what more could you want?

I need a pear tree for that partridge. Stat!

It hit me today as I was walking through town.
It's Christmas time!
The carols, the decorations, the days off work.
I love it!!
For me, Christmas has changed a bit in the last 5 or 6 years.
Before moving out of home Christmas was always a family affair.
I used to obediently hand myself over to my parents in preparation for the family festivities - sweeping the patio, cleaning the barbecue, setting the table.
Once that was done I would endure a long hard day's worth of Dealing with Relatives 101.

These days, things are a little different. Since moving out of home I've discovered that Christmas is also a great time to catch up with friends. Everyone has their own family functions to attend, but the fact that there are a couple of public holidays means you can usually squeeze in a get-together with friends.

It also is a time for me to reflect on how lucky I am.
I try to do this as often as possible, regardless of the time of year.

I've got two wonderful parents who are, amazingly, still deeply in love after almost 30 years of marriage. That in itself is enough to make me realise how lucky I am. I've got a younger brother and sister who have both grown up to be fine young adults. I've got an extended family who, although they can be trying at times, are there for me if I need them. I have a wonderful group of friends and a fantastic young lady by the name of Bertie with whom I have copious amounts of fun.

But most of all, I live in Perth. I am lucky enough to not only live in a country in which I am free to do what I want and believe in what I want to believe - but I also have the means by which to do so.

Christmas is a time to reflect on all the good in your life.
Right now, I have a roof over my head, a car to get me places, clothes on my back, food in my fridge and a shitload of wonderful people in my life.

Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this and remember - no matter how bad you think you've got it, there actually is always someone worse off.

RIP Work Choices

The former Howard Government's outrageous industrial relations reforms have been abandoned by the party that put it into place.
It took a change of Government, but the bastards are finally listening.

Two important bits of news

Firstly, I discovered a new website today that is absolutely fantastic. Go here for a massive range of how-to videos on, well, anything.
I'll give you a few examples of videos that are on the website:
How to:

• kiss someone passionately
• avoid trapped arm whilst cuddling in bed
• adjust your digital camera's exposure
• get great abs through pilates
• fight a bear
• make traditional mince pies
• be the perfect girlfriend (??)

There is, quite literally, anything you want to find out about. There's also some handy office ones like what to do when you send a kamikaze email (you know the one, you accidentally sent it to the person you're bitching about - take note Observer).

And my second bit of news is that I received my first bit of post-John Howard literature today. It is quite exciting.

It's the Quarterly Essay, by Judith Brett, and it's called Exit Right: The Unravelling of John Howard.

How delicious.

And a very Merry Christmas to you too OR More reasons why my boss should retire.

There are some people out there for whom nothing is ever good enough.
My boss seems to be one of those people.
She waddled into work this morning after a council meeting last night and, when I asked her how she was, the response was:
"Tired."
Well, how's that for positive reinforcement...
She followed it up with:
"I think sometimes I get tired from thinking about all the work I have to do."

Oh, for god's sake.
We're all in the same frikkin' boat - and really, it's not as bad as you say it is.

She told me the other day that she had "never been more stressed in her entire life than she was right now."
Really. Wow. How's that working out for you?

And to top it all off, she vetoed a story one of my colleagues was going to do on homelessness in the local area.
Like anyone who makes a decision they haven't properly thought through, she gave a range of reasons that were completely disjointed and ill-informed.
Among them:

1) Homeless people are homeless because they choose to be.

2) Those that didn't choose to be are drug addicts or alcoholics anyway.

3) We don't have that big a homeless problem in Rockingham anyway.

4) I don't want you putting yourself at risk by approaching homeless people in the streeets - they're desperate.

5) If we do a story on a homeless person, even if they agree to have their name and photo in the paper, it's an invasion of their privacy.

At this point I turned around and said "That's the whole problem with homelessness. It's too often swept under the carpet. It needs to be given more exposure as a community issue."

She turned to me and said: "You don't know much."

I was shocked. I was speechless. I was fucking outraged.

THEN she followed that comment up by saying that because she was 64 and I wasn't, she knew much more than me about everything.

At that point I realised I wasn't going to win, regardless of what I said. It's a shame, but she is actually seeming more and more like she is starting to lose it lately.
The problem is, I just have to grit my teeth and bear it until she eventually decides to retire.

LOVE - The Beatles

A little over a year ago, Cirque du Soleil put on a Beatles tribute show. Of sorts.

The soundtrack to what was apparently an amazing performance was put together by veteran Beatles producer George Martin, along with his son Giles.

Now, I wouldn't necessarily call myself a Beatles fan - that is to say, I don't own any Beatles albums, but I respect them and enjoy quite a few of their songs because, well, they're the Beatles.

But this album is a masterpiece.

Put together over two years and comprising elements from 130 individual songs by the Beatles, this album brings the Beatles kicking and screaming into the 21st century - and then adds another layer or two.

One example of the fine production work that went into the album is Strawberry Fields Forever - track 13 on the album.

The song includes the orchestral section from Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, the solo piano from In My Life, brass from Penny Lane, the cello and harpsicord arrangement from Piggies and the coda of Hello, Goodbye.

As I said before, I'm no Beatles afficionado, but this album is top notch.

The waves of sound are lush and three-dimensional, and you don't even have to close your eyes to imagine the Cirque du Soleil performers doing their thing.

As I thought about my rating for this review, I was in a bit of a quandry. Any reviewer will tell you their hesitation or, sometimes, flat out refusal to give perfect marks to a movie/book/album etc.

But I thought this one qualified.

Not only is it a collection of some of the 20th century's most seminal pop music, by none other than the Beatles, but it has also been taken to another level by Martin.

Five stars.

So today was one of those slow news days, right?

Anyone who has ever been a journalist knows there are slow news days and there are good/busy news days.
Sometimes there are slow news periods. Christmas is often one of them.
When you write for a Community Newspaper the scope of what you can write about is fairly limited to your local area.
However when you're writing for news.com.au, and you have national and international stories to cover, you'd think you wouldn't have to come up with a story like this.
Do you know what the best part is?
It took two journos to write it.

Grammar Terrorist Cell alert

Some time ago, I blogged about Big Brother drop out Brodie and the atrocious grammar on the shirt he was wearing.
Interestingly enough, another Big Brother drop out by the name of Bree seems to have started a relationship with this guy.
In an interview with one of the feature writers at our company, she was discussing Brodie when she said:
"You breed them good over here - Bodie is one of the funniest people I have met in my life."

I'm sorry, we breed them good???
You two were meant for each other.

Day Four - no cigarettes

Okay I know I've been blogging about this a fair bit lately but it's a fairly big effort for me.
I haven't had any real tests yet though - I stood with an old smoking buddy yesterday afternoon while he smoked and I chatted.
But tonight and tomorrow night will be the true tests - going to the pub with friends. The habitual "beer in one hand, cigarette in the other" will be the true test of my resolve.
But since I'm blogging about it and putting it all out there in the public sphere, I'm more obliged to stick to it.

Wow, what a random, disjointed little posting.

In other news, life is good, and Christmas is nearly upon us. Yay!

It's all the wrong way around

This is what Christmas should look like.

I took these pictures on my trip to Japan, which was almost exactly this time of year last year.

I saw snow for the first time, and I had a White Christmas. It was magical.

As the year draws to a close I find myself dreaming about Japan - and in particular the snow - once again.

I've decided that, after a lifetime of living in Australia, living in the southern hemisphere, that we've got it all wrong down here.

The movies are right - it is meant to snow at Christmas.

It's meant to be cold, you're meant to be able to go skiing on Christmas morning, you're meant to see the pure white covering over everything as you wake up in the morning.

Don't get me wrong, I love Australia and I know I'm living in one of the luckiest, most prosperous countries in the world... but wouldn't it be nice to have a white Christmas down here every now and then? :)

I'm not irritable, you're just pissing me off.

Quitting smoking, I have to say, is going better than expected. The first day or two was the worst, but now I'm on day three I actually feel like I can - and will - do this.

And I have to say, the realisation yesterday that I could actually do this was one of the most liberating feelings I'd had in a long time.


When you take a step like quitting smoking, telling people is probably one of the worst things you can do. I can count on one hand the number of people who responded positively without either laughing or not believing me when I told them (not including my blog readers who left very encouraging comments - thank you.)


At the same time, if you tell people you have to stick to it.


It doesn't make it easy, but what really gets me is when people assume I am going to be irritable or snappy.

It's a cop out.

Right now, I am not allowed to show any sign of irritability or frustration. If I do, it's "because I'm quitting."
As you may have guessed, the origin of this post was to bitch about my boss, who, after telling everyone how she's never been more stressed in her life than she is right now, grabs a major lead story from my area and writes it herself.
Not only that, but she cut and paste the press release and the reason she gave me for not passing it on to me was that "there's too much to do, we need the story and I thought you had enough to do already."
This was all after she rocked up to work 40 minutes late this morning. Nice.

Oh and to top it off, I lost my dog this morning. After waking up to find she had urinated on the couch, I growled at her and put her out the back. When I went to bring her inside, she saw me coming and freaked out, scrambling over a gate at least five times her height to run away.
She hasn't come back yet and my uncle and I have scoured the block looking for her. I'm concerned she won't at all.

BUT - and there is a but - I'm still not smoking. And that, in itself, is enough to make me incredibly happy. :)

An open letter to those nasty little cancer sticks

Dear Cigarettes,

We've known each other for quite some time. I first met you in a local pool around the age of 16. You tasted gross, I felt cool.
When I moved out of home I realised that I was old enough to smoke you without getting into trouble.
Since then, our relationship has been fairly involved. I've smoked heaps of you - from first thing in the morning with my cup of coffee, to 3am at the tail end of a huge night with close friends.

I've cursed you for making me cough like a 70-year-old woman.
I've loved you for being there with me on an evening when the weather is warm, the sun is setting and I am loving life.
I've hated you for how expensive you are.
I've loved you for helping me bond with other people who were also addicted to you.
I've hated you for making my breath and fingers smell, for turning me into an addict and for damaging my health.

So, as much fun as we've had, it's time to say goodbye.
God knows it's been fun - we've had a ball.
But now I'm too old for you. I enjoy life too much for it to be cruelly snatched away. For once, I am listening to all the pleas of those high-profile smokers who, after being diagnosed with a terminal illness, say they wish they had quit when they were younger.
I owe it to the people who love me, and I owe it to myself.

Goodbye Cigarettes.
You and I are over.
Don't ever call me again.

Sincerely,
David Johns.

Nothing new here...

I know we've all blogged about annoying PR people before, but I just got a phone call at 3.30pm on a Friday from one of them.
The conversation went something like this:

"Hi, can I speak to someone from editorial?"
"Speaking..."
"Oh hi, it's Sarah from PPR, I'm just chasing up a press release we sent you a few weeks ago about Christmas and I just wanted to see if you needed any more info at all?"
"Well, our editor sorts through the work emails so she would have seen it. I'm sure if she needed any more info she would have contacted you."
"Okay, thanks, bye!"

Seriously.
What PR person out there actually thinks if a press release arrived in a journo's mailbox and they needed more info they wouldn't call??
What are we going to do, just sit here and hope the pr company follows it up?
"Gee, I'd really like to get in touch with that person. Guess I'll just wait around for the PR person to call me."

Oh, and how's that for a clarification - a press release about Christmas.
I'm guessing roughly two-thirds of the releases that are coming in the mailbox now have something to do with Christmas. Not really narrowing it down very much, are we?

I'm sorry, what??

Apparently China has weighed into the proposed BHP Biliton/Rio Tinto takeover.
China's situation is an interesting one - on the one hand they are the last major bastion of communism in the world, yet at the same time they are riding a tidal wave of growth thanks to market forces.
China and Australia have recently had much closer ties, thanks to both of us 'booming'.
However this really irked me.
A senior mining company dude in China has called on the Australian Government to step in and stop the proposed takeover.
He said:
"I think the Australian government should take some anti-monopoly action to prevent the merger of BHP and Rio because this kind of behaviour will damage free competition."

Okay, let me get this straight. The world's last communist society is asking for a fair go in the name of free competition??
I know I've simplified it a bit but seriously, I just find that plain ridiculous.

Reasons why my boss should retire now

1. I got into trouble for being 20 minutes late this morning.
Never mind the fact that my boss is (literally) 20 mins late EVERY DAY.
But the thing is, she's always late for a good reason. Her good reasons are - she's either washing, cleaning, hanging the clothes out or walking. What. Ever.

2. I was told to "cut and paste" the press release for a major local news story destined for page 7 of this week's newspaper. "That's what I do," she said. Right, so that's how you get so many stories done each week - the PR people do them for you.

3. She used the term "cross-breeding" when referring to people of mixed Aboriginal and European heritage.

4. Everything's stessful - in fact, she made the comment the other day that she had never been more stressed in her life than she was at work right now. Riiight.....

A lesson in early 90s "hip-hop"

This is great. It's brilliant. It's so good, in fact, that I just had to share it with you.
Check out the uber-young Will Smith (or the Fresh Prince as he is known here) at his best.
It might take a few minutes to load, but it is well worth it, if only for a laugh.
Don't pretend you don't know the words.

How do ya like them apples, Mr Howard? Huh? Huh?

Pinched from news.com.au

Be vewwy, vewy quiet

I'm sitting in the sub-editors area at head office today because the temporary computer I use when I come up here on Mondays has been commandeered by someone else.
So I'm feeling particularly out of place, but at least I am sitting in such a position that I can see the Chief of Staff's screen at all times, and he can't see mine. Yay.

Alanis Morrissette would have a fit

A promo for an upcoming news segment on Today Tonight:

"And coming up - Ben Cousins, the most scrutinised man in Australia. How media attention is hurting his chances of rehabilitation."

News story, about guy who is pursued relentlessly by news outlets, which is having a detrimental effect on his life.
Please, someone, anyone, tell me they see the irony...

Next time you're thinking about how difficult your life is...

Spare a thought for this guy.

He's known as Dede, and has an extreme form of human papilloma virus, which is essentially a wart virus.

However the growths have literally taken over his hands and feet, taking on the appearance of tree roots.

He's lost his wife, his job and any chance of making an income, however doctors from the US think they may be able to find a treatment and are working on it now.

Your day's not looking quite so bad now, is it?

What a weekend

I'm typing this from the Qantas Club in Townsville where I am enjoying the lap of luxury before I jump into my business flight seat from here to Brisbane.
Long story short - my weekend in North Queensland was marred by Qantas misplacing my baggage for 24 hours. But they've well and truly made up for that now.

But that's not the most important thing that's happened this weekend.
The most important thing is that John Howard got everything that was coming to him.
My faith is restored in the Australian people.
I am no longer embarrassed to be called Australian.
I am happier than I can ever remember being after an election.

This weekend, karma took a little bit back.
The swings and roundabouts kicked in.

I cannot relate how happy it makes me feel to see headlines such as "Rudd moves in on Work Choices" and "Liberal Party in turmoil."

So, where does that leave world politics at the moment - Blair's gone, Howard's gone, dare I hope that Bush may be the next to fall on his own neo-conservative sword?

Let's hope so :)

This is it

Australia decides tomorrow.
By Monday I will either be a very happy man or I will be distraught and inconsolable.
Let's hope it's the former.

Anyway, I'm off to pack my bags for the North Queensland tropics.
Adios!

I've performed my civic duty... kinda

As some of you may know, I'm going to be away for the election this weekend.
I've been chosen to fly to North Queensland to cover the Army Reserves buildup for the Solomon Islands for Community Newspapers.
It's quite exciting, and it's just me and a journo from the South Western Times who gets to go.

As a result of this, I had to vote early yesterday.
I made my vote count, but I felt a bit cheap when I handed in the ballot paper.

You see - I didn't know any of the candidates for my electorate in Fremantle.
I had a vague idea that the Labor candidate was a young woman who caused a bit of a kerfuffle when she was preselected because she didn't live in the area at the time.
But I couldn't tell you her name - and even after voting for her, I still can't.

Other than that, I had never seen the other names on the ballot paper before.
And not for lack of trying I might add - I had been reading the Fremantle Gazette and the Fremantle Herald in the weeks preceding the election to do just that - find out who my local candidates were.
But both papers were severely lacking.
The Gazette this week had one election story in it - one - and it was a small lead at the bottom of page 9 about the Labor candidate's concern regarding informal votes. The week before an election.
Now obviously that's an editorial choice but you'd think there would be a bit more of an attempt to inform the readers.
I was a bit disappointed.

Oh, and I voted the Socialist Party number 3 on the ballot just for kicks.
Gotta love Fremantle.

Un-be-liev-able

This website has been visited 2000 times since I put my dragon counter-thingy up. That's exciting and slightly appalling.
Considering I only get comments from a select group of people, who are the rest of you?
Feel free to leave a comment and I always appreciate criticism, whether it be constructive or not.
:)

Another Election Rant or Preaching to the Converted Part II

Can you feel that?
It's getting close.
It's an election.
Not only that, but it's an election that doesn't necessarily have a predetermined positive outcome for John Howard.

No politician has made me feel embarrassed for being Australian like John Howard has.
I was distraught after the 2001 election. I was even more distraught in 2004 - though we never really had a chance of winning that one, did we?

Now, I'm just nervous.
I'm nervous that the majority of Australians will not see through the bullshit that he and his cronies spout on a daily basis.
I'm nervous that people will believe the tripe he has been sprouting about the gloom and doom for Australia if Labor gets in.

As far as I see it, there are a few possible outcomes and consequences.

Outcome 1: Howard is re-elected, the Liberal Government is back in with its majority over both houses of Parliament. Unlikely, but then anything's possible.
Consequence 1: I start seriously considering which country I am going to migrate to.

Outcome 2: Howard is re-elected, but without his majority.
Consequence 2: I will be saddened but not completely distraught. Any Government needs checks and balances. That's what the senate was designed for, and that's what they have been stopped from doing. I will still ponder leaving the country.

Outcome 3: Rudd wins control of house of reps but does not have balance of power in the Senate.
Consequence 3: Australia wins. I will be proud to be Australian again. It will have been a long time coming, but I'll be there.

Outcome 4: Rudd wins with control of both houses.
Consequence 4: I will do a little dance for joy. Sure, no Government should have control of both houses but when it's a party interested in the good of the people, for the people, it's better than the alternative. Oh, and the victory will be sweet. So sweet.

I want to see that smug smile on Downer, Costello and Howard's collective faces wiped off comprehensively. They all deserve it.
I want to see justice served. I want karma to take a front seat again. Swings and roundabouts etc etc.

Is all that too much to ask?

What next? Rudd's the bogeyman?

According to today's West, John Howard is hell-bent on striking fear into the hearts of voters.
You see, according to Johnny, WA's extraordinary mining boom, which has seen record amounts of money come in and out of the State, will end under a Labor Government because Rudd will wind back Howard's unfair indutrial relations legislation.
I almost got pissed off at this, until I read Shane Wright's analysis of the story.
My favourite bit was this:

"A collapse in the global economy would end the mining boom. An outbreak of democracy in China or a revolt by the lower classes of India could do the same.
But Kevin Rudd and even a busload of the most militant union bosses in the world would struggle to end the boom that has propelled the WA and national economies for nearly four years."

Quite.

Yum

I had the most amazing dining experience this weekend.

Bertie's dad took the two of us, and her mum, out to dinner at Jacksons in Mt Lawley, to celebrate Bertie's graduation from uni (four years and three majors, not a bad effort really).



It was absolutely sublime.

Coming from someone who has worked in the hospitality industry for about six or seven years, there is no dining experience in Perth quite like it.

We had a seven course degustation dinner, with a different wine for each course.

Not only was the food and wine sublime, but the service was absolutely top notch.
I highly recommend chacking it out if you can - you might want to save up for it first though.
Our bill came to just under $1000 for the four of us.

Lucky for me, Bertie's Dad was paying. Nice.

It's Friday!

Fuck this I'm going home. Ciao!

How does it feel Barnaby?

My favourite National Party politician Barnaby Joyce was on the radio this morning.
But something's wrong - this time he sounded a little concerned.
He was concerned with the polls.
Apparently they've been bad for the conservative Government, and he's concerned the coalition is facing political annihilation.
He said there was frustration within conservative ranks about an apparent "wave of ambivalence" from the voting public.
Really? A wave of ambivalence?
Would that be the same wave of ambivalence that swept the coalition to power once or twice in the last few elections?
So how does it feel, Barnaby, now that that wave is drowning you?

But the bit that really got me, the bit that nearly made me downright angry, was when he said there was a possibility the Labor Government could be elected with a majority in both houses, causing the Australian people to have a Government without checks and balances.

Um, hello??!!
What exactly do we have right now??
How can you possibly argue that it's okay for a conservative Government to have the balance of power but not a Labor Government??
Part of me hopes this does happen.
What goes around comes around, my friend.

How can you not love a place that looks like this?

Lately, I've been a bit Japan-sick.

It's strange, because it's kind of like being home sick, save for the fairly obvious fact that I have only spent 2 and a half weeks of my life in Japan.

I think some of it may have to do with the fact that it was my first overseas trip - the first time I'd ventured outside our borders with a passport - but I really, really loved the place.

It's magical.

It manages to get this balance between everything the Western, corporate, capitalist world holds dear without compromising the Japanese traditions that are thousands of years old.

The weather was brisk and cool yet perfect, we didn't need to know a word of Japanese other than 'thank you' and 'excuse me' and we just had the most amazing time.

Part of me wants to move to Japan - I guess it's the allure of being in a totally foreign country, yet one which is completely accessible to almost everybody.

But part of me thinks I would be pretty lonely there.

Indeed, after only two and a half weeks I was craving a hearty Western meal and some English-speaking friends.

Maybe one day.

Edie Sedgwick had nothing on these guys

The Muse concert that I saw on Saturday was a genuine contender for the best I'd ever seen.

It was huge. It was spectacular. It was extremely pompous - but then they do that with style.

You know when you go to those concerts and you know every song that's played?
You know when you get those little shivers at certain moments in certain songs?
You know when you walk away from a gig knowing you've just witnessed something special?
It was all of that and more.
I'll stop gushing now. Thanks for listening.

I've just about had enough of this!

So John Howard says sorry yesterday for the interest rate rise.
Today, he tells us that saying sorry is not an apology.
Um, what??
How does that work, exactly?
Can someone, somewhere PLEASE EXPLAIN why this man continues to get away with this shit??

A bit of self-deprecation never hurt anybody

I am an idiot.
Seriously.
Apart from the fact that yesterday I discovered that leaving my brakes to be fixed for another week potentially added $200 onto the bill at the mechanics, I have lacerated my right hand. By being an idiot.
I went around my parents' house last night to farewell my younger brother, who takes off for London today.
He convinced me to play one final game of soccer on Xbox with him before I left.
It was a tight game.
No goals were scored in the first half and, it wasn't until the 68th minute that I turned in front of goal and passed to one of my players, who outmanouvered the keeper and slotted the ball into the back of the net.
GOAL! I screamed, jumping off the bed with my hands held high in the air - only to shatter the glass light fixture in my brother's bedroom.
My mum, who is a nurse, decided that I would need stitches on the knuckle of my right ring finger.
I went to Royal Perth Hospital, where I waited for two hours to be told I didn't really need stitches, but they glued it for me to aid in the healing process.
I also managed to slash the palm of my hand.
As a result, I can currently only do things with one hand - and let me tell you, cooking meals and ironing clothes is extremely difficult with only one hand.
My dignity suffered a little too, but I'm at work today and, I guess, that's what counts.

Adventures in Rockingham Part V

Rockingham Police charged a 20-year-old woman last night with unlawful wounding.
She allegedly stabbed her mother's boyfriend, who - wait for it - is also 20-years-old.
He had to undergo surgery but is in a stable condition after having 25 stitches inserted.

No wonder the police call it 'Nam down here...

Overheard in a bar...

Drunk guy hugging girl: I love you... but I love your sister more.

Adventures in Rockingham Part IV

I received an email from one of my co-workers today. It was a joke about a farm hand who got a pig stuck in his four-wheel drive.
The joke started off as such:

A farm hand (an Aboriginal) rings his boss...

That's right, it had "an Aboriginal" in brackets. I read the rest of the joke and the fact that the protagonist was Aboriginal had absolutely no bearing on the joke whatsoever.
I sent out a reply saying:

"I'm glad that joke clarified that he was "an Aboriginal." It was, after all, a VERY integral part to the story..."

-After a couple of minutes, she replied with:

"Well it could have been an Asian or a muslim or perhaps some other immigrant otherwise!"

-I sat stunned for a moment. So I responded, asking "Why?"

-It then took half an hour for her to respond to that one. In the end, she came up with:

"Why not?"

-At this point I realised I was fighting a losing battle. I responded once more:

"This conversation's going nowhere fast. You get my point right?"

-Her response:

"your right .....this conversation is going nowhere fast!"



Sometimes, you just can't win.

Where's Benny?

In the interests of keeping the media circus going (because we all know we haven't been force fed enough Ben Cousins news lately) I thought I'd direct you to celebrity gossip website Perez Hilton, which has blogged about the coked-up, smirking little shit. In particular I'd like to point you to the comments below the article, which range from funny to peculiar to downright weird. It's scary what people can get away with on the internet.

We should be concerned

A speech by former Chief Justice Sir Gerard Brennan yesterday caught my attention for all the right reasons.
He spoke about two main issues that have always irked me - the death penalty and the rule of law in the context of the current terror laws.
He criticised both sides of Parliament for their stance on capital punishment in overseas countries - how can people campaign to free Australian citizens from the death penalty yet say it's okay for the Bali Bombers to die?
Yes it's a contentious issue, and Labor's foreign affairs spokesman nearly suffered for speaking his mind about the issue recently. And yes the two cases are very different in terms of the crimes committed.
But he's right.
You can't have it both ways - if Australian citizens do not deserve to die, then no one else does either. You're either against capital punishment or you're for it. Both parties need to stop pandering to how they think the masses will react.

Another point Sir Brennan raised was that of the anti-terror laws and the powers that Federal authorities now have to hold people without charge.
He likened it to that famous quote from Nazi Germany:

"They came first for the communists, and I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a communist.
"Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a Jew.
"Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. "Then they came for the Catholics and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.
"Then they came for me, and by that time, no-one was left to speak up."

The man has a point.

Feel free to help yourself to that humble pie on the way out...

I had the press secretary for the local RSL call my mobile today.
He left a message on my voicemail that went something like this:

"Davie (for some reason the guy calls me Davie - ugh) this is B**** C**** from the K***** RSL. Can you please call me as soon as possible. I've been trying to get in touch with you. Thanks."
*At this point he obviously thought he had hung up - but he hadn't.*
"Fucking hell... this is fucking unbelievable... *background noises* Well at least that phone call only would have cost us a couple of cents..."

Nice one mate.
So he rang the work phone a moment later - not sure why he didn't just do this in the first place, he would have gotten through to me straight away.

Anyway he booked an appointment to see me this afternoon.
When he got here I gave him a piece of my mind, and thoroughly enjoyed it.
I told him he hadn't hung his phone up properly, and that what was on my voicemail message was highly unprofessional. I also told him I wasn't happy with the way he had been playing favourites with the other local paper - giving them stories and not informing us.
And boy, did he grovel. It was great. I have a feeling he'll be a bit nicer to me in the future :)

From the email banks

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, " where have you been? "

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've
made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth,
"For example, Nth America will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the
Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a
continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land
and asked,"what's that ?"

"Ah", said God. "That's Western Australia, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the
worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and
sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest,
intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the
world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance God, you said there will be balance!"

God replied very wisely, " Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the
East Coast..."

Many many moons ago...

I had the pleasure of seeing the WA Art Gallery's Ancient Egyptian Artifacts exhibition on Friday.
The artifacts on display, from the Louvre, were absolutely amazing.
At one point I was standing in front of an intricately carved piece of limestone that dated back more than 4000 years.
It's quite humbling to think of the time passed between then and now. The civilisations that have risen and fallen. The people - from leaders to peasants - that have come and gone.
The picture above is an army of individually carved statues, each about 25cm in height. There were hundreds of them, lined in rows in the one display, and they were each carved with individual markings to signify the army of a former king or pharoah.
It's amazing the effort the ancient Egyptians put into carvings, writings and paintings.
And even more amazing to think that 4000 years on, they're still around.

Adventures in Rockingham Part III

Bumper sticker seen on car window outside my office:

Single Women Can't Fart - They Don't Have Assholes Until They Get Married


Sheer class.

Old-fashioned sexist wants submissive servant

Channel Nine's latest foray into reality television is so bad it's good.
I'm talking in a similar vein to Age of Love, the Mark Phillipoussis show which had him deciding between 'kittens' and 'cougars' for the love of his life - a love that apparently didn't last six months after the show finished.
So anyway this new show, and it's Australian, is called Farmer Wants a Wife.
Yep, you read right. Farmer Wants a Wife.
And the show is exactly what it sounds like - six farmers, good-looking yet simple country boys, want a wife. The problem is there are no suitable applicants left in the country, and for the hundreds - yes, hundreds - of girls applying there are apprently no suitable bachelors left in the city.
So these women go on national TV, and we're not talking secretaries and receptionists here (not that there's anything wrong with that) but smart, professional, good-looking young women who want to become a farmer's wife. Seriously.
My highlight of the show was when one of the farmers asked one of the girls: "So, you think you can look after me? Make my breakfast, cook me dinner?" Oh, and she replied with a "yes."

My second favourite was when one of the farmers was doing a piece to camera after meeting one of the girls and said - and I am not making this up - "She looks like she'd be alright in the kitchen."

There are so many things wrong with this show I don't know where to begin. It's fantastic. Watch it.

What competition?

Most of us who work for media outlets go up against competitors from other media outlets.
In Rockingham, we have the Sound Telegraph - a West Regional newspaper - as our "competition."
However their choice of front page stories week in, week out, amazes me.
I know I'm biased because I work for the opposition, but take this week's edition for example - we're in the middle of a Federal election AND we had local government elections this weekend.
You'd think there'd be plenty of highly newsworthy material for the front page.
But no - the paper has chosen to put on it's front page a pic story about three kids who are going around to schools teaching helmet safety when riding bikes.
Now don't get me wrong - it's a great community story - but is it really, in the current context, appropriate for the front page??

It's on!

Kevin Rudd debated John Howard on TV last night - it was long, but it was worth it.
The panel of journalists chosen to ask questions of the two were some of the best in the country - and it showed.
The PM was asked a direct question three times, and three times he gave a politician's response.
Kevin Rudd seemed on the ball and the 'controversial' 'worm' signalled the audience was buying what he said more than what Howard was saying.
This means nothing in the grand scheme of things, I know.
However I was watching it with a traditional iberal supporter, who shall remain nameless to protect their identity.
By the end of the debate this person turned to me and said "John Howard just changed my vote."
That's right, this person, who has never voted Labor in their life, has now decided to vote Labor based on that debate.
And that can't be a bad thing.

Bogan Learning Curve

I've blogged before about bands, singers etc making political statements.
It's something we see more and more of today, which I think reflects on the state of the world to some extent.
In my blog, I wrote of my cynicism towards bands and celebrities who appeared to be jumping on a proverbial bandwagon in regards to bagging Bush and American foreign policy.
However now I think that viewpoint is a little too cynical, if not arrogant.
Who am I to say who can and can't make political statements?
At the end of the day, I should be grateful that there are commercial acts out there who share my viewpoint.
After all, we're all pushing for the same thing, aren't we?

I make my comments after seeing Linkin Park in concert last night.
(I know, I should be ashamed, but it was seriously awesome.)
Anyway a few songs off their latest album were blatantly critical of the Bush administration, with regards to the Iraq war and Hurricane Katrina.
Images of the war, the devastation after the hurricane and famous images from Hitler to Saddam Hussein to Martin Luther King were splashed across the screen on stage.
And yes, at first I was skeptical.
However I looked around me and thought that if the bogans around me took in some of the message, that couldn't be a bad thing.

Adventures in Rockingham II

Had a little chat with the infamous courier in our office today - I've blogged on him before.
This guy's the one that said Africa will be the economic powerhouse of the world in ten years time.
Anyway, knowing full well whatever he said would be outrageous, I instigated a political comment with him today.
According to him, the main problem with national security is that Australia needs more overseas investment (!).
He said if more companies from overseas invested in Australia, then terrorists wouldn't attack us becuase the businesses around the world who have investment interests here would dissuade them from doing so. Riiiight....
Oh, and he said we needed to watch China. Apparently, as China becomes more involved in Australia, they will send more Chinese workers here, who will be paid a mix of Australian and Chinese wages and will send the economy tumbling into chaos.

I asked him to support his arguments with evidence or, at least some economic knowledge.
But no, he couldn't of course. That's because he gets all his info from commercial AM radio stations.
The worst part is this guy has as much of a right to vote as you and I...

Food for thought

Amid the media frenzy about Cousins and, more specifically, drugs, Paul Smith writes a column on News.com.au today that should give a little perspective to the debate.
Read it here.

In other news, Today Tonight left me reeling last night with a terrible - and I do mean terrible - segue into a story about the Ben Cousins saga.
It started out with a bit of a flashback to some of the sports stars of old - Betty Cuthbert, Dawn Fraser etc - and the dialogue went something like this:

"The sports stars of yesterday were true athletes. They did not need drugs to perform - that was crystal clear. These days, it's crystal meth..."

I was speechless.

Lucky me

I get to meet our Federal Health minister today.

Aren't I lucky?

If anyone has any messages they want me to pass on to the over-zealous, blinded by his own Christianity, anti-abortion and contraception dicksnap, feel free to leave them below.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Cousins, Cousins, Cousins.
I know I should wait until you're actually charged, you know, that whole innocent until proven guilty thing...
But in this case I think you're just an idiot.
You've let everyone down. Again.
Wipe that fucking smirk off your face and grow up.
Yes you're a brilliant footballer.
But there was only so much you could do before the club's and the fans' patience snapped.
Take your smirk, take your tattoos, take your brilliant football skills and get the hell out of WA.
Coz we don't want you here anymore.

And now for something completely different...

I thought I'd talk a bit of trash after my serious (and, admittedly, heavily biased) post about the upcoming election.

First of all, I just wanted to write a quick message to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay, I hear you're broke.
I feel for you, really I do, but that's what happens when you blow it all on, erm, fun.
Anyway my point is that if you need a place to stay, call me.
I'll be happy to put you up for free. Sure, it may not be what you're used to, but there'll be a place for you to sleep and eat and heck, a bit of normalcy might actually do you a world of good.

As for you, Hugh Grant, you are a silly silly man. Didn't you learn from picking up a hocker and getting your mugshot sprayed across the world?
Obviously not, because as it turns out the 47-year-old went back to some college dorm with a college student and was photographed schmoozing with the group of girls young enough to be his children. Ew. The man obviously cannot separate normal sexual urges from common sense decisions. Oh, and the photos got posted on Facebook. Of course.

The time has come

John Howard has called an election.
I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm really nervous.
For me, this is the most anticipated election I have been old enough to vote in.
I'm hoping, with very cautious optimism, that the Australian people will have the courage to change Government.
I'm hoping that something doesn't go terribly wrong in the final weeks of the campaign.
It is your time to decide.
Apologies for being melodramatic, but I do honestly believe the fate of the country rests in this election outcome.
You, dear readers, need to make a tough decision.
Sure, we are experiencing "unprecedented economic growth", but changing from Liberal to Labor will not hurt that - WA's got enough resources and strong links to China to keep it going for another 20 years - regardless of what hapens at a national level.
At the end of the day, you need to decide whether you're voting for your own, personal, economic wellbeing, or the wellbeing of the country as a whole.
It's a tough choice - but if you vote for Labor you are voting for your country and your country's future.
It's your call.

I'm seriously excited

About something I'm quite sure no one else cares about at all.
You see, next Thursday, I am divulging in one of my guilty musical pleasures.
I have secured a ticket to go and see the kings of mediocre nu-metal, Linkin Park.
I'm going on my own, and I don't care.
In fact I will be jumping around like an idiot, singing and screaming at the top of my voice.
I can't wait :)

Catholics are fucked.

I should start this post with a disclaimer that I was born and raised Catholic.
Obviously I subscribe to very few tenets of the Catholic religion these days - but two newpaper articles today really irked me.
The first, the front page story on today's West, has Catholic Archibishop George Pels saying that Catholic people who use contraception or birth control are subscribing to a "Donald Duck heresy." Whatever that is.
Good work George - let's hope the Catholics living in Africa don't take too much notice - the AIDS problems on that continent don't really need any encouragement.
And another article told of a Catholic priest in a South American country who was jailed for life forbeing an accessory to murder, torture and general human rights abuses.
Basically the guy took confession from people who were trying to overthrow a dictatorial government and then passed on the information to the police, knowing full well they would torture and eventually murder them.

Seriously, some people talk about Islam being archaic but Catholicism is just as bad.
The world today is slightly different from the world we lived in 2000 years ago, people.
Time to update some of your beliefs.

Wow, didn't see THAT one coming...

Turns out Mark Philippoussis' lady love, the fitness trainer Amanda who he met on his horrifying yet fantastically enthralling reality TV show Age of Love, is not so close to The Poo anymore.


MARK Philippoussis is to make his tennis comeback alone next week without his personal cheerleader.
The Scud's reality TV romance with Tennessee cheerleader Amanda Salinas appears to have hit the rocks and the brunette is unlikely to be courtside when he competes at the Stanford Championships in Texas.
Philippoussis's agent Carlos Fleming has refused to comment for the past two weeks about whether the couple - who met on reality dating show Age of Love this year - were still together.

Read the full story here.

An open letter to the councillor who wastes my time, week in, week out.

Dear Madame,
You're a councillor. I'm a journalist. Granted, we're not always going to see eye to eye.
However I feel there are a few things I need to raise with you.
Firstly, it is not cool to call me on my mobile at 9pm. Ever. Unless someone dies a particularly horrific death for which you are responsible.
Secondly, do your research. If you actually read your agenda PROPERLY, you wouldn't ask most of the stupid, pointless, time-wasting questions that you do.
Oh, and asking those questions does not make you a) particularly diligent or b) look good to anyone who is watching.
You'll probably try and tell me that you're just trying to make the council look "open and accountable."
Well, you're not.
The only thing you're opening is yourself up to valid criticism.
And finally, you made last night's meeting 40 minutes longer than it had to be.
Expect an invoice coming your way sometime soon.
I think it only fair that you pay my wages for that 40 minutes plus compensation for that section of my life that I will never get back.

I look forward to receiving payment as promptly as you like to shoot your mouth off without thinking.
Sincerely,
Dave

Slightly below That Monkey Who Typed Shakespeare

IT guy: There's a spectrum between those who are completely illiterate and those who are completely literate, and the people who write the news are somewhere in-between.

Poached from www.overheardintheoffice.com

Thank You Pam Casellas

Pam Casellas got it right in today's West when reporting on Chris Mainwaring's funeral yesterday.
It is a devastating story.
Put aside the media hype, put aside the questions of drug abuse and the boys club etc, and what you have is a young father and well-loved human being who is no longer with us.
Seeing the big men of the AFL, Ben Cousins, John Worsfold and Andrew Embley shedding tears for Chris pretty much sums it up.
It's a horrible situation and we should remember the man, rather than getting bogged down in trash talk about what he was doing and why he was doing it.

Summer is agonisingly close...

I just found out that it's going to be 31 degrees on Saturday! 31!
What a beautiful, warm day to get over the killer hangover I will no doubt be sporting after Mark, Bea and Kate's triple party.
Nice.

She's been trying to keep it quiet

...so for those of you who don't know, it's Kate's birthday today. She has hit the quarter century mark.
Feel free to bombard her with birthday messages :)

Perth has a one-track mind

Perth is freeway-centric.

We had a train line shut-down in Perth today. In order to connect a fifth train line to our existing four (that's right, we have all of four train lines - puts living in Perth into perspective doesn't it) they had to shut down part of one line and all of the Perth to Fremantle line.

I live in Fremantle and had to work in town today.

So rather than catch the train in I drove.

I thought I'd leave early to avoid traffic jams, and drove up the coast road rather than taking the Freeway - and I had a completely stress-free run.
Meanwhile, there is reported chaos on the freeway.
The thing is, most of the people who would catch the Fremantle train to work normally would, I'd assume, live somewhere nearby the rail line.
So if the rail line's down, why go out of your way to drive up the freeway, which is already congested every morning?
I think people here in Perth seem to think that the freeway is the best way to go to get anywhere, mainly because the speed limit's 100km/h.
I guess the moral of the story is that the faster you go doesn't necessarily equate to arriving at your destination first.

Adventures in Rockingham Part I

There's a young guy who comes into our office once a week and takes our paper recycling bin away.
The bin happens to be near my desk.
Normally he comes in and says hello.
Today he came in and gave me his life story.
It went something like this (I have deleted out lines he repeated):

Him: How ya going mate?

Me: Yeah good yourself?

Him: Yeah good. Almost the weekend. Almost Saturday. Saturday means clubs. *Pause* Yeah, like, a while ago, before I put a bit of weight on, I used to do martial arts professionally. Might not look like it now, but the knuckles don't lie. *shows me his knuckles* Yeah so I'd go out to clubs, and like, not start fights but sometimes stick up for people if they couldn't themselves.
So this one time there was this guy... *insert three minute spiel about fight he got into at Rockingham nightclub* ... Oh, and then there was this other time man, when I almost got arrested hey *another three minutes* ...yeah but you should've seen that guy he was big hey but the guy he was bashing was tiny man he was nothing, you know, I had to help...

Me: ...

Him: Yeah so anyway have a good one man seeya.




Wow.

I'm in a nasty mood today

So Collingwood star Nathan Buckley has retired, huh?
Well boo-hoo.
For me, the big man will always be remembered for crying like a baby along with Mick Malthouse on the field after their 2002 Grand Final loss.
Collingwood are an almost team.
In recent years they have almost made the top eight, almost made the grand final, almost won the grand final, and so on and so forth.
Plus Eddie McGuire runs the club.
So I'm reserving my sympathy and and respect for someone a little more deserving.

What Hero?

I fucking fell asleep last night.
Right in the middle of the much-awaited return of my favourite every tv show.
Not happy.
I'm slightly concerned 7 have chosen to put it on at 9.30 - I hope this doesn't mean it's going to be pushed back further and further until it hits the 11.30 timeslot... but we'll see.

My childhood memories are ruined.

Taken from Ninemsn:
CUSTOMS OFFICERS FOIL DRUG SMUGGLERS

I had to do it.

Last night I watched a short section of Rove's new celebration of mediocrity, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?
And it was as bad as you'd expect.
The part that I watched involved a guy who had won $50,000 so far.
He had a chance to push that up to $75,000 by answering a first grade grammar question.
The question was: "Which of these words has a 'long' a?
a) Mate
b) Hat
c) Boat

And yes, you guessed it, he couldn't answer the question.
I was shocked. I was outraged. I was lost for words.
Until Bertie reminded me that these people go through selection criteria, and they are obviously chosen on the fact that they don't know the answers to all these questions.
I promptly turned it off, but the lingering disgust has left a bad taste in my mouth.

Training to be a better person

I'm in a two day training course.
Yesterday I learnt how to write the first sentence of a news story.
Today I'm learning about punctuation, grammar and the correct use of certain words.
Despite all this, I think I am actually taking something away from these sessions.
Oh, and by the way, don't miss Heroes tonight - 9.30pm on Channel 7 - season 2 is going to be huuuge...

Everybody hurts... sometimes

I'm hurting today.
I don't know why, but when it comes to a long weekend, I have the tendency to cram three times as much stuff into them despite the fact that they're only one day longer.
I had a drink with a couple of friends on Friday night, followed by AFL Grand Final day, which despite the disappointment of the actual match was a loooong and fun day.
Sunday was spent in a relatively relaxed mode even though I did have a family dinner on Sunday night, however the real reason I'm hurting was because I chose to go to Parklife last night.
I mean, seriously, why bother planning a festival for a long weekend and then putting it on the Monday? Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?
Anyway yesterday was a great way to end the long weekend.
As you do, I bumped into quite a few old friends who I hadn't seen in ages and saw some damn good sets from a range of different acts.
And to round it all off nicely, I arrive at work today to discover that Rage Against The Machine and Bjork are headlining next year's Big Day Out.
And that, dear readers, is enough to dull the pain of being back at work today.

I'm in some sort of pre-long weekend rut

...and I'm not enjoying it.
I'm meant to be pumping out the stories today, since it's a short week next week and I won't be there on deadline day, but at the same time we're waiting around for people to come down from head office and install this new system.
I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo.
Trying not to think about the weekend (but it's only 3 and a half hours to go!) and the fact that our new full time journo here seems to not know how to effectively a) send an email or b) write a story.
I have a sneaking suspicion he bluffed his way into the job... but I'll give him another week or two to settle in before I start making value judgements.
I don't expect anyone to comment on this rant, but I feel a little bit better now having had a whinge.

Ssh! Can you hear that?

*In an effected David Attenborough-style accent*

What we have up ahead is a rare species known as the long weekend.
They are seen less than once a month in office areas and often fill workers with senses of joy and euphoria.
Long weekends rarely go unnoticed, however they do have a tendency for sneaking up on people and the consequence is that workers who come into contact with long weekends often regret the fact that they have to catch up on a day's work the following week.
But for now, we will cherish its beauty.
Look at how it spreads its wings, owning the Monday and allowing office workers to have the day off.
It's a beautiful creature.

It ain't like it used to be...

I heard a fascinating story on the radio yesterday.
An Australian World War II pilot, we'll call him Jack for the purposes of the story, was shot down over Germany during the war.
He told about how he ejected from the plane and parachuted smack bang into enemy territory, where he was a POW for the last 2-3 years of the war.
Anyway, fat forward 60 years and the guy has actually found the radar man/navigator of the plane that shot him down!
Not only that, they've become friends and Jack is planning on travelling to Austria sometime this year or next year to have a catch-up!

Which got me thinking, my how some things change...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not glorifying war, but war these days is just not the same as a good old-fashioned World War.
In those days war was "fair" - you had frontlines and trenches and people fought, conquered, then moved forward.
I'll never forget watching a doco about Gallipoli in high school which really highlighted to me the absurdity of war.
There was a ceasefire during the fighting for 24 hours at one point, and both Turks and Allied Forces put their guns down so they could pick up the bodies of their fallen comrades.
Both sides swapped cigarettes, chatted, joked and laughed with each other before separating again getting back to business.

Gone are those days.
Gone are the days of trench fighting.
Gone are the days of chatting to your former enemies post-war and reminiscing about better times.

Today, we have a worldwide war that George Bush has waged on an abstract noun.
Good luck getting 'terrorism' to wave the white flag, George.

An open letter to my arch nemesis

Dear Deadline,

I hate you.
I hate everything you stand for.
Sure, the people I work with don't always help with our relationship, but your uncompromising, stubborn position on everything is really getting to me.
Why can't we just be friends? Why can't you change the days you pop up, just so that Wednesday isn't my most hated day of the week?
Someone told me once that relationships were all about compromise, but the way you treat me week in, week out, makes me think it's all one-way traffic.
I pander to your every need. I do everything I have to do when you tell me to do it.
And I've had enough.
If things don't change our relationship is over.
Perhaps you should think about this over the next week.
Call me when you're ready to talk.

Yours always,
Dave

The man is deluded

Just to add on to my earlier post about the Iranian president, I watched the news last night and saw the footage of him saying "In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon."
The entire audience burst into laughter, and he looked genuinely confused by their reaction.
He said something along the lines of "I'm not sure where you got the idea that we do..."

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live in that sort of blissful ignorance.
I'm sure it's a happy place.

Facebook Whore

I've been whoring myself on Facebook all afternoon.
It's awesome when you stumble upon a name you haven't seen in ages, but that feeling of awesome-ness is overshadowed by a feeling of dirtiness.
Almost like I'm panhandling for friends.
Which I'm not - and I still reserve the right to ignore people I don't want to talk to.

Good call

Hearing news of the Iranian President's visit to the US, I was fascinated and slightly concerned to discover he'd been given a voice at Columbia University to speak to an audience.
What concerned me more however, was what came out of his mouth.
Apart from saying more research needed to be done on the Holocaust to find out who was to blame and why the Palestinian people are now paying for it, he claimed that homosexuality was not present in Iran.
Riiight...
He said: "In Iran we do not have this phenomenon."
Phenomenon??

But the call of the day has to go to the university President Lee Bollinger, who introduced the Iranian leader at his appearance.
He called him a "petty and cruel dictator" and said his Holocaust denials suggested he was either "brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated."
"I feel the weight of the modern civilized world yearning to express the revulsion at what you stand for," Mr Bollinger said.

How's that for free speech...?

Food for thought

I had to work on Sunday, to cover the launch of the ALP's campaign for Beazley's seat of Brand.
Now - as much as I keep it well clear of my writing, I have Labor in the blood.
My grandfather worked on the wharfs in Freo during the 50s. Enough said.
Yesterday was fantastic. Bob Hawke was there to 'endorse' the candidate, Gary Gray, and the old codger hasn't missed a beat.
He launched into a blistering attack on the wrongdoings of the Howard Government, as well as a salient reminder of what the union movement actually achieved for all Australians (such as annual leave, maternity leave, leave loading etc).
It's easy to brush aside the benefits of unionism in today's society, particularly when Howard insists on whipping-up anti-union histeria about them controlling the workplaces under ALP rule. Whatever.
But at the end of the day, a lot of the great working conditions that we enjoy at the moment were won by the unions over the years.
I don't see Howard and Costello bitching about conditions that allow them paid leave every year. It was the unions that got them those conditions in the first place.

Training for what, exactly?

I've just been informed I am to do a two-day news reporting course next week.
Now - I'm trying to keep an open mind about this - but isn't that what a three-year degree is for??
I know how to write news, I've been doing it for a few years now without a problem.
To be honest, I'm not against the idea of in-house training - in fact, I think it's a great thing in some circumstances.
But here's the clincher.
The first day of the two-day course is on my deadline day!! Not only that, but it's also in the middle of a short week because of the long weekend!! And not only that, but the journos picked to do it were chosen on "likely availability."
Um, hello?!
How is it "likely" that I would be "available" to give up a full day on deadline??
What's going on up there??

Too many Heroes, not enough hours in the day

I am SO excited.
My favourite TV series of all time arrived in a deluxe box-set yesterday, direct from the US.
That's right, Heroes. Season One.
Right in time for the start of Season Two on TV.
If you haven't cottoned onto what is one of the best drama/sci-fi/whatever TV shows ever to air, you still have a couple of weeks to get ready for the second season.
I highly recommend it.

Everything in its right place... sort of

Well I'm back at work and... loving it.
I don't know why, perhaps it was my bumper start to the day by actually exercising before i got here but I am glad to be back at work and using my brain again.
And it seems I have returned at a time of upheaval as far as employee movements go, anyway.
I'm excited that Kate, Bea and Mark have all found themselves new, exciting jobs to go to. I'm excited because I have worked with all three of them, and I know how well they will do in their new positions.
I also know that I will still see these guys around - Kate in particular, I'm sure - because that is the nature of Perth and its media industry.
I love it here for the moment. I am loving making my mark down here in an area that is mostly untouched by the West, regardless of the implications of working in 'Rocko.'
As always, my time away from home, as fun and exciting as it was, made me realise how lucky we are here in Perth.
Perth is awesome. My friends are awesome. And my job is awesome, even if the pay packet doesn't always reflect it... :)

Taxi Drivers - It takes all sorts...

We had a couple of interesting taxi drivers on our trip around the eastern states.
One who refused to accept a $50 note for a $6 fare - wtf? - and so insisted he put it through on my credit card instead! Whatever...
Then there was the one who picked us up from Hobart Airport and told us the Federal Police had a file on him. Mm-hmm.
Then there was the one who commiserated with us after a massive night in Oxford St during which my friend had his $400 Prada sunglasses stolen (I know, he shouldn't have taken them out with him in the first place but he came straight from work). This driver - his name was Sam - spoke with disgust about the state of society when someone can have a pair of sunglasses stolen from their bag. It wasn't until we got back to the hotel room the next morning we discovered they were in his bag after all and hadn't been stolen. Ahem.

But my favourite was the one that dropped us back to Hobart Airport after our stay in Tassie.
We were catching a 6am flight so, needless to say, we weren't really gearing for a good chat with the cabbie when we got in.
At one point, the conversation went something like this:

Cabbie: See up there, that's where the bridge collapsed.
Me: The bridge collapsed?? Jesus, when did this happen?
C: Oh, about 24, 25 years ago.
M: Right...
C: And over there, can you see that blue light on the hill?
M: Yep...
C: Just behind that is where Princess Mary used to live.

*I'd forgotten about Tasmania's claim to fame - the island's Danish Princess. How cute. However it was 5am, and I don't give a fuck about Princess Mary normally, so with lashings of irony and sarcasm I responded with-*

M: Really? Wow. 'Our' Mary...

At this point I expected the taxi driver to turn around and smack me on the side of the head for being a cheeky bastard. But no, he just nodded in agreement, a look of near-reverence in his eyes.

It takes all sorts.

Elbow Wars and Airport Goodbyes

As I have mentioned before, like Lindsay, I love airports.
I particularly enjoy the depth of emotion - be it happy or sad - that people show in their final goodbyes or warm welcomes.
I was boarding the flight back home and saw an elderly couple being waved off by a middle-aged couple.
The two men were obviously father and son. The women, teary-eyed, waved at each other as the elderly couple walked down the passageway.
Just as they were about to walk out of side, the old man turned around and gave a thumbs-up sign to his son.
It struck me as such an emotion-filled goodbye. The elderly couple were old enough for me to assume that there wouldn't be too many more trips to and from Perth and Melbourne.
Anyway, I digress. The old man ended up sitting next to me on the flight and insisted on taking up both armrests with his full arms, denying me a resting place for my elbow.
I didn't feel sorry for him anymore.
I was planning on sleeping but, without any room to move, wasn't sure it would happen.
So, in a calculated move, I waited until the man reached into his pocket for the safety instructions and quickly stole the arm rest, followed by a fake sleep that actually turned into a real one.
I won the elbow war that time.

Anyways, my holiday was absolutely fantastic.
I had a ball and basically went on an 11-day trip which involved much fine dining and wining, catching up with some very dear friends who had moved over east (ex-housemates, former work colleagues and the like) and some fantastic shopping in Sydney.
But, as is the case with all holidays, I was glad when it ended. There's something about going home, about surrounding yourself with things, places and people that are familiar to you, that can be comforting after spending time in foreign cities.
I have a raft of stories that I won't bore you with now, but suffice to say we holidayed (ahem, intentional grammar alert) in style.
And even though I would be pushed to find someone who reads this blog that would care, the Nine Inch Nails concert could not have been better.
They blew me away.
Now I'm off to enjoy my last two days before I hit the decks at Rockingham again.
Yay!

Time for a break

I never realised how much my fellow bloggers write on a weekly basis!
I just spent the last hour catching up on posts from the last two weeks - I was going to write about my holiday but that will have to wait till later on the morning - I need a coffee and a cigarette after that effort, regardless of how satisfying/amusing it was.

Quick update

Melbourne was fantastic, food and wine and coffee galore, and I'm in Hobart at the moment with some very dear friends enjoying thew views and fine establishments here.
Willl update you further when I get the chance, but I'm seeing Nine Inch Nails this weekend!!!

Did I mention that before...?

Signing off

I'm off. I'm on holiday. It won't sink in yet until I get to the airport. (Hear that Lindsay - the airport!)
I can't wait.
I don't expect to have any time to blog while I'm away but if the opportunity presents itself I will be sure to jump on and type up little excerpts from our adventures.
I am looking forward to catching up with some dear friends while we're over there and since I haven't had any time off this year, I think it is well-earned.
So have a good couple of weeks and I'll see you all around the traps!!
Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memo to my editor

1. I am not a mind reader. I try, but I'm not. If you go away, and something is supposed to be done, and you don't tell me it's supposed to be done, and I have no knowledge that it even needs to be done, don't get pissed off at me.

2. No one cares about your whinging. Particularly not the new editor-in-chief, and particularly not me.

3. You're old. Retire.

4. Did I mention stop whinging? You're embarrassing yourself.

Make that 10 and a half

Okay, seriously struggling right now.
Deadline day.
I've done all my important leads and pic stories and am now down to putting together some of the fluff pieces we fill our sports pages with. Fucking Teakwondo competitions and senior weightlifters.
Luckily I was able to channel motivation for my leads but now that I'm down to the chaff I'm seriously struggling.
Not on holiday yet Dave.
Not on holiday yet.

In other news...

11 hours till my plane takes off.....

Grammar alert

I am slightly concerned with the use of redundant words these days - in the news, on tv, etc etc.
I'm specifically concerned with the creation of nouns from verbs which result in a word that could have been used far more effectively.
For example, I got a press release from the State Housing and Works Minister the other day talking about new housing designs.
In the release, the minister talks about how these houses can be built quickkly and "ready for occupancy within 2 to 3 days."
Occupancy?? Whats wrong with occupation??
People seem to think that they can create a word where there wasn't one before by adding a 'y' or something similar.
I blame university.
I'll never forget sitting through my communications and cultural studies units hearing words like "Australianness" - basically anything goes in a uni assignment if you add the suffix -ness onto the end of it.
I don't presume to have the answers, just thought I'd ask the question.
Any ideas?

Did I mention I'm seeing Nine Inch Nails in a week and a half?

Can you tell I'm excited? :)

Did I mention how cool Facebook is?

Another day, another friend request from someone I hadn't seen since I worked in my first job at the age of 15.
Oh, and I'm going on holiday in just over 24 hours. Life is good :)

In news this week

Vin Diesel is coming to Rockingham.
Yes, you read correctly.
The star of Fast and the Furious, Pitch Black and XXX will make an appearance at the Vibe Nightclub in Rockingham on September 22.
Apparently he's being paid $30,000 for the appearance - so at least he's got a decent excuse to be coming down this way.
That's not the main reason for this post.
The sales rep who is sorting it out waltzed into my office just then and asked me to do an editorial piece on it.
Which of course I would normally be happy to do, mainly because we are apparently getting exlusive editorial access and I will get a chance to interview Vin himself.
She could have left it at that, but no, as she walked away from my desk she chose her parting comment to be: "Make sure you do it or you won't get a ticket."

Excuse me??

Apart from the fact that that goes against every media ethics lesson I was ever taught, where does she get off telling me what to put in the paper.
I took the business card she handed to me, put it back on her desk and told her that I do not do editorial under duress/bribery/blackmail/whatever.

Later, she walked up to me, shoved the card at me again and said "Just do your job."

Now, I like Vin Diesel. I'd even consider going to this place if I was protected by a group of work friends who knew the area.

But telling a journalist they "have to" write an article is like telling an indie band they "have to" write pop songs - it just doesn't happen that way.
So I am writing nothing until said sales rep rethinks the way she speaks to me. And I've told her so.
Mark one down for Dave.

Don't forget...

Kyle Sandilands is on Enough Rope with Denton tonight at 9.30pm on the ABC.
According to news reports Denton goes for the jugular. I can't wait.

Feel free to hop off the merry-go-round when you've had enough...

I blogged a little while ago about a friend of mine who broke up with his girlfriend for the fifth time (in a year) and got back together with her. Again.
So I receive a call from this friend two weeks ago, saying they've broken up. Again.
He says it's for real this time. I believe him. I said to him:

"I'm a little hesitant to say anything since every time you break up and I say you're better off without her you get back together again."

Friend: Mm-hmm.

Me: But fuck it. You're better off without her. She has serious, deeply underlying mental problems that affect her individual life, let alone her relationships, and she's not a nice person.

Friend: I know.

So he seemed pretty happy. Hwe told me it was "for real" this time. I believed him.

Then he rang on Friday night. Just calling to say hello oh, and by the way, we're "sorting things out."

What the fuck is wrong with people??
This girl is not a nice person. She's not even good looking. She has deep, deep problems that I suspect can only be weeded out using intensive psychotherapy (and I'm not exaggerating or being melodramatic) and her refusal to communicate is what has led to every single one of the 6 - count em, 6 - break-ups they have had in the space of one year.

But fuck it. There's nothing I can do about it, other than to keep telling him every time they break up that he is better off without her. Maybe one day he'll listen.

From the email banks

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

...or not, apparently, if you're my uncle.
He apologised last night for overreacting re the heater issue. He had had a tough day at work and he took it out on me and for that, he was sorry.
That makes me feel much better.
And it adds to a slight sense of guilt I have about defaming him in the below post. But you get that. At least I didn't name names...
In other news, tonight is my second last night at the restaurant. I'm actually looking forward to going to work tonight, safe in the knowledge that I can walk out this weekend if the owners piss me off. Hehe.

Never argue with an idiot - they'll bring you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I need to get this off my chest.
I had an argument with my uncle last night at home, which basically stemmed from the fact that I occasionally use a heater in my room so that I'm not cold.
He walked into my room last night after I had had this heater on for a few minutes and then started lecturing me on how much electric heaters cost to run.
I know they're expensive. I know he feels this way. The thing is, I pay extra for the electricity bill to cover it.
So anyway after I argued back with him, he slammed my door and stormed out.
I sat there for a couple of minutes, fuming, before I walked out and had it out with him.
I'm sick of walking on eggshells around the home just so I can please him.
The truth is, I am, comparatively, a damn good housemate. I wash up nearly every night, always pay my bills and rent on time, rarely leave any mess lying around anywhere etc.
After I had it out with him I felt better. I think I made him realise that he was being a tool.

Here's a list of things I wanted to say to him but thought better of it:

• Perhaps if you spent less money on pot you wouldn't be so concerned about a little extra on the electricity bill.
• So, in conceding that I already know how you feel about the heater, we have nothing to argue about right? So shut the fuck up!
• Slamming doors is kid's stuff. Grow up.
• You know why your life's so shit? Because you let it get that way and you don't give a fuck. I know that when I'm your age, the last thing I would want is to a) be living separately from my wife and children because I couldn't stop smoking weed, b) working a part-time job at Bunnings, c) living from week to week and scrounging to get enough money to feed my addiction, d) scraping my smoking implements and smoking resin when I can't afford weed or e) have no prospect of ever getting my own home because I earn too little and have done nothing to save/put aside money over the years. All of which applies to you.

That feels better.

I guess if there's any good that can come out of this it's that I have found my next financial goal after my holiday in a week's time - saving up some money for bond and moving expenses so I can get the hell outta this place.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer retires.

Today a legend of soccer, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (yes, that is his real name) has announced his retirement.
To put his retirement into a bit of perspective, he scored the winning goal for Manchester United in what was the club's most famous win of all time.
Bear with me if you know nothing about soccer.
Picture this - your team has won the English Premier League season, the FA Cup and is now looking to achieve the never-been-done-before treble by winning the Champions League and being crowned kings of Europe also.
The full 90 minutes of the game has passed and the score is 1 all.
Your team gets a corner kick. The kick is good, it's long, it deflects off a teammate's head and you stick your foot out just at the right moment, driving the ball into the top of the net.
This was Ole. He scored the goal that made Manchester United one of the greatest sporting teams in history. And today he retired.
For your viewing pleasure I have included some footage of that historic goal here.
The footage actually shows both Manchester United goals for the game but it's the second one that counts.

I've redecorated

And I quite like it.

It's time to put it to bed

I am retiring my list of convicted grammar terrorists.
I think, in the interests of rehabilitation, everyone should be given a second chance.
And so I have decided to take down the list - but that doesn't mean that any acts of grammar terrorism will go unnoticed.
I'll still be happy to blog about them. And if they are serial, repeat offenders I may consider putting up another list.
But for now it's time to give Rick Hart, Phil Edman, and particularly the Warnbro soccer club spokeswoman a second chance.
Use it wisely.

Crack out the black fingernails and the cutting implements...

I'm excited.
Not only do I have a trip to Melbourne/Tasmania/Sydney planned in just over a week's time, in which I will be able to catch up with some good friends I haven't seen in ages, but as it turns out, the last night I am in Sydney just so happens to be the night Nine Inch Nails are playing at Luna Park.

NIN are not only one of my favourite bands of all times, they haven't played in Perth since the 90s and I was just a little too young to go see them then....

And they just happen to be playing the last night we're in Sydney!! And two of my good friends just happen to be going to the same concert!!

AND we just happened to get the last ticket before they sold out. Literally. How unbelievable is that??

Now that everything's falling into place for me, I will wait patiently for the major crisis/sudden death/serious illness that is surely just around the corner...

Another day, another random Facebook friend invitation...

This time from someone who (allegedly) went to my school in the year below me. I have no recollection of ever having a conversation with this person but he seems to know me. Whatever...

Poetry in motion

This little gem from Lindsay made me laugh out loud this morning...

There once was a man called Rudd
Whose love life was a bit of a dud
He downed a few beers
The strippers said "cheers!"
And then he won the election.

Adventures in talking to animals part II

Some more conversations my uncle has had recently with our dog:

Uncle: What are you going to do today? (Repeat X 3 with 'baby talk' inflections) Are you going to read a book?

What the fuck? Read a book??

And this one...

Uncle: Now, I'm going for a crap and you can't come, okay?

Seriously, there's gotta be a line...

Bet he wasn't expecting an answer to that one...

And the pick of the day goes to a New Zealand man who, after stabbing his mate and bashing him in the head with a rock for sleeping with his girlfriend, asked him "Are you dead yet mate?"

To which his 'friend' replied "not even close, brother."

The offender was convicted of attempted murder.

I have been liberated

There is another big factor in how I am feeling today. For the last five years I have worked at a restaurant in Subiaco.
I started there when I was still a uni student, worked there full time for a stint between graduation and getting a job, but remained there ever since for a few reasons. Firstly, I knew the place like the back of my hand so it was an easy second job to go to. And I was getting paid a fairly decent cash rate.
But lately things have not been the same at the good old restaurant. It has just gone through it's second change of ownership and while I thought I might be able to handle it the second time around, it's starting to be a bit to much.
Firstly, the owners wanted to cut my pay rate by $3 an hour, which is, I'm told, "not a reflection on your performance at work" but more of a push to get everyone's wages in line. Well that's great, but I've been working here, on this pay rate, and can run the restaurant single-handedly if needs be, for five years. I told them that I would not accept a lower pay rate.
So they said they would think about it and get back to me - essentially implying that they would decide whether or not I was worth the extra $3 an hour. To put this in a bit of context, if they did cut my rate they'd be saving about $20 a week.
Anyway, it's been three weeks since then and they haven't even mentioned it to me. In my books that's bad management.
And then I get to work on Friday, a day when they did not need me to work - there were hardly any bookings - and, despite the fact that I was clearly sick, they wouldn't send me home.
I was sniffing and coughing and the owner insisted on folding napkins while telling me they were too busy to send me home.
Well fuck them.
So after yet another weekend of chaotic bookings, average food and tables walking out, I decided that this weekend coming up would be my last. It's time to cut and run. It's not like I won't be able to survive without the money, and the stress I will prevent from not having to go straight to another workplace on Friday night after everyone has finished for the week will be invaluable.
I am not a waiter anymore after this weekend. It is the end of an era for me, the last shifts in what has been my longest stint at any workplace.
It also means I will be able to go out with friends on a Friday/Saturday night!!
It is a fantastic feeling.