From the email banks

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

...or not, apparently, if you're my uncle.
He apologised last night for overreacting re the heater issue. He had had a tough day at work and he took it out on me and for that, he was sorry.
That makes me feel much better.
And it adds to a slight sense of guilt I have about defaming him in the below post. But you get that. At least I didn't name names...
In other news, tonight is my second last night at the restaurant. I'm actually looking forward to going to work tonight, safe in the knowledge that I can walk out this weekend if the owners piss me off. Hehe.

Never argue with an idiot - they'll bring you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I need to get this off my chest.
I had an argument with my uncle last night at home, which basically stemmed from the fact that I occasionally use a heater in my room so that I'm not cold.
He walked into my room last night after I had had this heater on for a few minutes and then started lecturing me on how much electric heaters cost to run.
I know they're expensive. I know he feels this way. The thing is, I pay extra for the electricity bill to cover it.
So anyway after I argued back with him, he slammed my door and stormed out.
I sat there for a couple of minutes, fuming, before I walked out and had it out with him.
I'm sick of walking on eggshells around the home just so I can please him.
The truth is, I am, comparatively, a damn good housemate. I wash up nearly every night, always pay my bills and rent on time, rarely leave any mess lying around anywhere etc.
After I had it out with him I felt better. I think I made him realise that he was being a tool.

Here's a list of things I wanted to say to him but thought better of it:

• Perhaps if you spent less money on pot you wouldn't be so concerned about a little extra on the electricity bill.
• So, in conceding that I already know how you feel about the heater, we have nothing to argue about right? So shut the fuck up!
• Slamming doors is kid's stuff. Grow up.
• You know why your life's so shit? Because you let it get that way and you don't give a fuck. I know that when I'm your age, the last thing I would want is to a) be living separately from my wife and children because I couldn't stop smoking weed, b) working a part-time job at Bunnings, c) living from week to week and scrounging to get enough money to feed my addiction, d) scraping my smoking implements and smoking resin when I can't afford weed or e) have no prospect of ever getting my own home because I earn too little and have done nothing to save/put aside money over the years. All of which applies to you.

That feels better.

I guess if there's any good that can come out of this it's that I have found my next financial goal after my holiday in a week's time - saving up some money for bond and moving expenses so I can get the hell outta this place.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer retires.

Today a legend of soccer, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (yes, that is his real name) has announced his retirement.
To put his retirement into a bit of perspective, he scored the winning goal for Manchester United in what was the club's most famous win of all time.
Bear with me if you know nothing about soccer.
Picture this - your team has won the English Premier League season, the FA Cup and is now looking to achieve the never-been-done-before treble by winning the Champions League and being crowned kings of Europe also.
The full 90 minutes of the game has passed and the score is 1 all.
Your team gets a corner kick. The kick is good, it's long, it deflects off a teammate's head and you stick your foot out just at the right moment, driving the ball into the top of the net.
This was Ole. He scored the goal that made Manchester United one of the greatest sporting teams in history. And today he retired.
For your viewing pleasure I have included some footage of that historic goal here.
The footage actually shows both Manchester United goals for the game but it's the second one that counts.

I've redecorated

And I quite like it.

It's time to put it to bed

I am retiring my list of convicted grammar terrorists.
I think, in the interests of rehabilitation, everyone should be given a second chance.
And so I have decided to take down the list - but that doesn't mean that any acts of grammar terrorism will go unnoticed.
I'll still be happy to blog about them. And if they are serial, repeat offenders I may consider putting up another list.
But for now it's time to give Rick Hart, Phil Edman, and particularly the Warnbro soccer club spokeswoman a second chance.
Use it wisely.

Crack out the black fingernails and the cutting implements...

I'm excited.
Not only do I have a trip to Melbourne/Tasmania/Sydney planned in just over a week's time, in which I will be able to catch up with some good friends I haven't seen in ages, but as it turns out, the last night I am in Sydney just so happens to be the night Nine Inch Nails are playing at Luna Park.

NIN are not only one of my favourite bands of all times, they haven't played in Perth since the 90s and I was just a little too young to go see them then....

And they just happen to be playing the last night we're in Sydney!! And two of my good friends just happen to be going to the same concert!!

AND we just happened to get the last ticket before they sold out. Literally. How unbelievable is that??

Now that everything's falling into place for me, I will wait patiently for the major crisis/sudden death/serious illness that is surely just around the corner...

Another day, another random Facebook friend invitation...

This time from someone who (allegedly) went to my school in the year below me. I have no recollection of ever having a conversation with this person but he seems to know me. Whatever...

Poetry in motion

This little gem from Lindsay made me laugh out loud this morning...

There once was a man called Rudd
Whose love life was a bit of a dud
He downed a few beers
The strippers said "cheers!"
And then he won the election.

Adventures in talking to animals part II

Some more conversations my uncle has had recently with our dog:

Uncle: What are you going to do today? (Repeat X 3 with 'baby talk' inflections) Are you going to read a book?

What the fuck? Read a book??

And this one...

Uncle: Now, I'm going for a crap and you can't come, okay?

Seriously, there's gotta be a line...

Bet he wasn't expecting an answer to that one...

And the pick of the day goes to a New Zealand man who, after stabbing his mate and bashing him in the head with a rock for sleeping with his girlfriend, asked him "Are you dead yet mate?"

To which his 'friend' replied "not even close, brother."

The offender was convicted of attempted murder.

I have been liberated

There is another big factor in how I am feeling today. For the last five years I have worked at a restaurant in Subiaco.
I started there when I was still a uni student, worked there full time for a stint between graduation and getting a job, but remained there ever since for a few reasons. Firstly, I knew the place like the back of my hand so it was an easy second job to go to. And I was getting paid a fairly decent cash rate.
But lately things have not been the same at the good old restaurant. It has just gone through it's second change of ownership and while I thought I might be able to handle it the second time around, it's starting to be a bit to much.
Firstly, the owners wanted to cut my pay rate by $3 an hour, which is, I'm told, "not a reflection on your performance at work" but more of a push to get everyone's wages in line. Well that's great, but I've been working here, on this pay rate, and can run the restaurant single-handedly if needs be, for five years. I told them that I would not accept a lower pay rate.
So they said they would think about it and get back to me - essentially implying that they would decide whether or not I was worth the extra $3 an hour. To put this in a bit of context, if they did cut my rate they'd be saving about $20 a week.
Anyway, it's been three weeks since then and they haven't even mentioned it to me. In my books that's bad management.
And then I get to work on Friday, a day when they did not need me to work - there were hardly any bookings - and, despite the fact that I was clearly sick, they wouldn't send me home.
I was sniffing and coughing and the owner insisted on folding napkins while telling me they were too busy to send me home.
Well fuck them.
So after yet another weekend of chaotic bookings, average food and tables walking out, I decided that this weekend coming up would be my last. It's time to cut and run. It's not like I won't be able to survive without the money, and the stress I will prevent from not having to go straight to another workplace on Friday night after everyone has finished for the week will be invaluable.
I am not a waiter anymore after this weekend. It is the end of an era for me, the last shifts in what has been my longest stint at any workplace.
It also means I will be able to go out with friends on a Friday/Saturday night!!
It is a fantastic feeling.

Life is gooood...

I am in a ridiculously happy good mood. There's no reason for it - my editor is back from 3 weeks holiday today so by all accounts, it should be the opposite, but it's not.
Among the things contributing to my supreme satisfaction with life at the moment are:

• The amount of friends I haven't seen in years - and we're talking 15 years - that remember me and are getting in touch through Facebook. Absolutely outstanding.
• The fact that this week is my last week at work before I take 3 weeks holidays. Bertie and I are going to Melbourne for two days, then Tasmania for three days, then Sydney for five.... oh and we have some deluxe view luxury suite in the Marriott Hotel at Sydney Harbour booked for the last two nights there - living it up in style...
• My two favourite sporting teams in the world, the West Coast Eagles and Manchester United, both played must-win games on the weekend. And they both won. Nice.
• I rearranged my room on the weekend and it now has a much better feel to it. The feng shui is good.
• I am getting on top of my finances for the first time in a while. Also brilliant!

Didn't One Nation die along with Pauline Hanson?

I received this letter to the editor today from a One Nation politician today.
Apart from it being fragmented and not really making sense, it just astounds me that this party actually thinks it still has some relevance in today's contemporary political landscape.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
23.8.07

The birth rate of the mining people in the Pilbara is well above the national average according to a recent report.

Which begs the question : Is it because of the high wages paid to the male of the population being sufficient to support a family at a decent level and have the mum perform her role as a full time mum and home-maker as was the case years ago?

Good on the families for breeding the future miners, I would much rather see that, than have 30,000 refugees come into the country from Iraq and the Middle East as Kevin Andrews stated lately.

I would say there would be millions of others who would love to come to Australia.

Come on Mr. Howard, look to the future, give the average family a chance by lowering the tax burden for the bread winner and stop having $17.Billion surplus to win over voters.


Yeah. You go One Nation. Fighting for the people's rights.

I know he's an easy target, but....

George Bush is at it again.
In a speech to a veterans' group yesterday he compared Iraq to Vietnam, saying if the US withdraws from Iraq it will have the same, catastrophic effects for millions of Iraqis that withdrawing from Vietnam had for millions of Vietnamese.

I'd like to raise two points on that topic.

1. The US didn't voluntarily withdraw from Vietnam. They lost. Big time. Their troops were practically forced out and there were plenty of POWs left behind and 'forgotten' in the rush to get out of Saigon.

2. Comparing Vietnam to Iraq will open a Pandora's Box. Let's think about this for a second. Vietnam was, as most would agree, a war the US should never have gotten involved with in the first place. Bingo. So what you're saying, George, is that we should learn from SOME of the lessons f Vietnam, but not all of them. Right?? Right??

Get fucked.

Chop off my head, box it up and send it to the glue factory

Because that's the only possible use I can come up with for it right now.
This is my second cold in about a month and I am not happy.
To top it off I had an 8am start this morning, AND a stupid council meeting tonight after work.
Now excuse me while I wallow in my own self-pity.

UPDATE: One of my lovely fellow journalists offered to go to my council meeting tonight for me. Sweeeet...

South Side Story

Last week, by accident, I flicked over to a show on ABC called South Side Story.
Now, before I write anything else, I should put a disclaimer in. I am not - nor have I ever been - a fan of rugby. I have nothing against the game, I just grew up with different sports and never bothered to learn the rules.
However South Side Story, a doco-series about Russell Crowe and Peter Holmes a Court's takeover of the NRL team South Sydney Rabbitohs, had me completely enthralled.
The series is narrated by legendary Aussie actor Jack Thompson and had me captivated from start to finish.
It basically tells the story of the takeover and how it was the last chance for the Rabbitohs, perennial bottom-ladder-dwellers who were kicked out of the league a few years ago but let back in after appeal.
It goes into quite a bit of detail on Crowe and Court's involvement in the club and how this was a do-or-die business venture for them.
With this in mind, I came across news today that the Rabbitohs have just reached the top 8 in the NRL for the first time since 1989. 1989!! What a story.
So whether you hate sport, rugby and Russell Crowe or not, watch South Side Story tonight on the ABC at 8pm. It is a rewarding piece of television.

Maximo Park

I went to an absolute corker of a gig last night.

It had been a while since I'd hit the live music scene here in Perth, and so when I got a call from a friend yesterday saying he had a free ticket to Maximo Park at Capitol, I jumped at the chance.

And it was brilliant.

From the moment the first note rang out the whole band seemed perfectly in sync, as though they'd already been playing for half an hour and we're perfectly in tune with each other.

The venue was perfect, creating an intimate yet intense feel to Maximo Park's high-octane rock riffs.

As a result, I have a new favourite band...

This sporting life

As usual, this weekend is full of important sporting fixtures.
Both Manchester United and the West Coast Eagles have must-win games and I can hear the crowds a-roaring...........
COME ON!!

It's a different world down here...

People do fucked up things to each other down here.
I'm not sure exactly why but in the news this week in my area alone:

A man was charged with wilful murder after allegedly strangling his girlfriend, gassing the house then attempting to take his own life by slitting his throat. He survived, and is in court today.

A man was charged with assault occasioning bodily harm after allegedly getting into a verbal argument with his sister, followed by beating the crap out of her. He punched and kicked her while she was on the ground.

A man was charged with a string of offences after asking his mother for $50 ($50!) so he could buy drugs. His mum said no, he started trashing the house, then pulled a knife on his mum and forced her to drive to the atm to withdraw the $50. On the way there he slashed the interior of the car with a knife. His mum dropped him off at a house he needed to go to, then went straight to the police station to file a report.

And this one outside of my area -A man was charged with assault offences after he began to beat his defacto partner. The lady he was beating was not only six months pregnant with his child, but also in a wheelchair (she was paraplegic). After punching and kicking her till she fell out of the wheelchair, he proceeded to stab her in the face and upper body mutliple times with a syringe.

You can't blame this shit on tv. What happened to these people that made them lose that sense of what is essentially right and wrong??
And how does it affect those who report it? I for one, and rarely surprised these days by hearing about atrocious acts such as these. Perhaps I've become desensitised. I guess as long as I don't think it's okay for these things to happen, I'm still in the clear...

I can see you...

I am loving Facebook right now. It is seriously addictive and I am re-connecting with people I haven't seen in aaaages... Which is great for a lazy person like me who rarely gets around to organising all those catch-ups I think about.

In other news the bubble worker wore flannel again to work yesterday then left at midday - on deadline day - so he could take his car over the pits.
Great work. That's one for the team.

Work function + alcohol = bad hangover

So the sales night went down as expected.
Everyone got trashed and, as is the case with any work function involving alcohol, people told each other what they thought of them.
Which provides interesting water cooler fodder for the next day.
Some will be excused for mouthing off, others will never be forgotten.
Which one are you? :)

Is it an end-of-school ball? Is it a wedding?

No, it's the night of nights for our company's beloved sales reps as they get frocked up and go to an event sure to be full of drunkenness, bitchiness and the odd bit of schmoozing.
Seriously, some of the girls in this office appear to have done nothing all day other than do each other's makeup, hair and outfits.
It reminds me of Perth Cup's tentland patrons pre-11am on New Years Day. They're all dressed up and looking beautiful, but it's a bit of a different story when it comes time to leave...

Dr Doonothing

As some of you know, I live with my uncle in Freo.
On the weekend, he got a dog - which is great.
I'm a big fan of pets, be they cats, dogs, birds, whatever, and our dog is gorgeous.
She's a 3.5 year old staffy and she is one of the best trained dogs I have ever known.
Her name was You (yes, that's right, as in "Come here, You") but we decided that was pretty average so, in the interests of not changing her name too dramatically, decided to call her Lou.
But I have a small problem.
My uncle is one of those people that talks to animals. Now don't get me wrong, talking to animals is okay, telling them they're well behaved/not to do something etc is obviously necessary sometimes.
But having conversations with them?
Asking them if they want to go on a walk and then pretending they respond negatively??

A conversation this morning went like this:
(I'm sitting on the couch with the dog at my feet.)
Uncle: *In stupid dog voice (similar to stupid baby voice)* Hello, Dave, how are you today?
Me: *Silence*
Uncle: That's okay Lou, he obviously doesn't want to talk to you. See - she's waiting for an answer...
Me: No she's not Steve. I try to save my conversation skills for humans. Maybe you should do the same.

Don't get me wrong, I love animals, but pretending they respond to your questions is just, well, sad.

Next time you're thinking about how much you hate your job...

...spare a thought for this guy.

A police officer was talking on ABC radio this morning about the truck versus car crash up near Carnarvon that claimed three lives this week.
He said two of the bodies were so badly mutilated from the crash that they had been unable to identify them through the usual processes.
So they were calling in a disaster victim identification specialist.
How's that for an average job...?

Rockingham - the racist capital of WA

I was privy to a number of conversations today around the workplace regarding various races:

Aboriginal people

"I went to the supermarket the other day and you could smell them."

"It doesn't hurt to have a bit of Aboriginality in you these days, what with all the concessions they get."
"Yeah, I reckon that's discriminatory towards white people."

Indian people

"Indian people smell the worst - you can always smell curry whenever they're around."

Asian people

"Asian people are the worst because of all the spices and stuff they eat in their food."
followed by
"Yeah and they're always dirty too."


But what I love most is hearing those types of comments preceded by "I'm not racist/I don't have anything against 'them' but...."

What a psycho

I just finished reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis, and it was a thoroughly satisfying read. Read my opinion of the book in full here.

Right. That's it.

Considering I am a dyed-in-the-wool Eagles fan, I've been remarkably quiet when it comes to blogging about their wins and losses.
Sure, I haven't had much to be excited about, what with our team being made up of crack-whores and cry-babies, and with us losing to the can't-win-a-game-the-rest-of-the-year-but-always-up-for-the-derby Dockers, but that's it. I've had enough.
I just found out today that Daniel Chick is injured with a fractured larynx after Dean Solomon lashed out with a forearm at some point. A fractured larynx!! Jesus!!
Those dirty fuckers!!
Yes, this is sour grapes. I'm the first to admit that.
But when you have a team who, for the majority of the year, constantly disappoint their fans, who can't pull a win out when their coach's career depends on it, but can do so the following week, it just shits me.
And for all you Dockers supporters and Cousins haters out there - yes, you won the derby. Well done, you have bragging rights. But it's the pointy end of the season and I can guarantee you the Dockers will choke.

And I, for one, will be there, all smiles, when it happens.
God I'm a vindictive little bastard sometimes.

Are we all dumb?

I'm not ashamed to say I consider myself to be of reasonable intelligence. Sure, I'm no rocket scientist, but I completed TEE well, finished a uni degree and am now working in a job in which I really on my brains rather than my physical skills. Not that any of that is necessarily indicative of intelligence levels.
However in conversation with someone the other day, whom I consider to be, well, downright stupid, this person told me that they hate dumb people and give them shit whenever they can.
Which got me thinking, people really are deluded about their level of intelligence.
Does that mean I am? The answer, I hope, is no.
I think the real issue here is common sense. Anyone with finely tuned common sense I consider to be intelligent, regardless of their level of education or training.
Or am I just wrong and completely stoopid?

Note to casual co-worker

It is not, EVER okay to wear flannel to work. What the fuck is wrong with you??
Warm regards,
Dave

I feel like ranting and raving

So that's what I'm going to do.
But to save everyone from having to read an essay, I'm just going to raise some brief points:

1. Eddie McGuire is a knob. Nothing new there. Last night I flicked over to his shite game show briefly - but felt great when I decisively turned the TV off after he made a joke about Indian telemarketers.

2. People who call without leaving messages. My parents have been trying to get in touch with my. I know why. I'm in a little bit of trouble with them. Nothing serious, but I refuse to call them back if they don't leave a message asking me to do so.

3. This Government is arrogant and they just do not listen to anyone. Giving politicians one day to read a 500-page piece of legislation that asks them to disregard (!!) the anti-discrimination act, is arrogant, rude and stupid. But it's okay, coz it's all for the children.

4. Office politics suck. Why can't people just a) get along or b) stop acting like stupid, immature, school children. Grow up.

5. My casual co-worker who should be encased in a bubble is back working at my office for the next three weeks. You all know who I'm talking about.

I'm still in shock

Okay, I did it.
Not on purpose, I didn't plan on watching it, but I flicked over to The Age of Love the other night.
I think the whole concept of the show didn't really hit home until I actually saw, with my own eyes, the "Scud" talking to these women who all profess to have fallen in love with him.
What. Was. He. Thinking???
I couldn't believe it - I just sat there wide-eyed, trying to digest the fact that it was really him...
He gave up Delta Goodrem.... for this???
How can anyone take the man seriously ever, ever again?
On the flipside the show is reality television at its finest - and that's a phrase I don't use too often....

Not my lifestyle...

Browsing through Foxtel at my parents' house, it became apparent that there is a hell of a lot more shite tv out there than I thought there was.
Here's my pick of the best (or worst) names for 'lifestyle' 'reality' programs:

1. Style by Jury
Oh yes, it is as bad as the name suggests. A jury picks apart everything that is wrong with the subject, then takes them out and teaches them all about having good style... Followed by a different jury judging them after they have had the 'style makeover.'

2. Till Debt Do Us Part
A 'reality' snapshot of various couples whose relationships are being torn apart by overwhelming debt and how to fix it.

3. Your Money or Your Wife
See number 2.

And yes, these are all actual shows.

I am temporarily disabled

On Tuesday night, a neck problem I have had for some time flared up a little.
It first started when I slept on an air mattress in Denmark (WA) about 4 years ago.
I didn't get it seen to like I should have, but it wasn't a big problem, and it only hurt a little bit when I really stretched my neck, so I let it go
However that decision came back to bite me in a big way this week.

So on Tuesday afteroon it starts to hurt a little more than usual. By the time I get to bed, I'm in serious pain. I couldn't sleep - literally - and it was driving me to the edge of despair. I took two panadeine forte which, normally, should knock me out for at least 8 hours. I slept for one and a half before the pain came back again.

So my parents took me to hospital on Wednesday morning. Surprisingly enough, despite the fact that I went to the emergency department of a public hospital, I was in, assessed, x-rayed, given a prescription for some heavy 'muscle relaxants' and anti-inflammatories and out in three and a half hours. That's gotta be some sort of record.

But the long and short of it is I can't turn my neck at all at the moment. I'm writing this from my parents' home because the doctors told me to take a week (a week!) off work. It's funny, you don't realise how dependent you are on things like your neck or your back until they start to play up.

I'm wearing a neck brace at the moment and look like a certified crash victim. But at least I can catch up on some long-neglected reading and movie watching...