I'll be handing down my budget mid-week

Today is my first day as acting editor while my fearless leader is away on a self-funded jaunt.

To celebrate, I'm bringing in a raft of changes that will be applicable in the office from today.

• Triple J is the only station permitted to be played during work hours.
• All staff shall address me as Sir David.
• I will start at 11am and finish at 3pm every day. Other staff will pick up the slack during the hours I am not here.
• Certain members of staff will be charged an idiot tax - how much that tax is and when it is charged will depend on the circumstances and the level of idiocy shown. In the interests of fairness and equality, I myself am not immune from such a tax.

I'm also announcing a major reshuffle of office duties. In a bid to create a better understanding between staff members about their own separate roles, I have decided that, for the next week, sales staff shall write editorial for the paper. Journalists will be put in charge of distribution and sales assistants who man the front desk will become advertising representatives. Distribution staff will be out the front in a bid to make them a little more customer focused.

Heck, if it doesn't work, we'll just change back on Monday week when the boss returns.