Emotive Anzac Day writing? Never...

An excerpt from a local (opposition) paper and a story about Anzac Day:

"A cool breeze at the war memorial carried the sounds of anticipation in the lead up to the commemoration service..."


I'm sorry, the sounds of anticipation?? Wtf does anticipation sound like??

I've made a decision.

I'm going to stick it out down here for the time being.
As much as I whinge and moan about the job and, more specifically, my boss, I think that if I stick it out for the next year or so I will have a chance to do something worthwhile, and maybe even make editor in the process.

Don't get me wrong, I still reserve my right to whinge, but for the moment I'm going to concentrate on work down here and not potential plans elsewhere.

All in good time :)

Grammar Terrorism alert

From the business card of a Mexican restaurant that I love to frequent. The restaurant will remain nameless.

"Mi casa es su casa. As we say in Mexico, my house is your house. We are pleased you have payed us this visit..."

The Raveonettes - Lust Lust Lust

From the opening fuzzy chords of The Raveonettes' fourth studio album Lust Lust Lust, the listener is transported to a place far away.

The understated vocals and Garbage-inspired drumbeat of Aly, Walk With Me conjure images of dark alleys and back streets in a large cityscape.

After parting ways with major record label Sony/Columbia, The Raveonettes have hit back with an album that is dark, groove-laden and, quite simply, brilliant.

Black Satin is the fifth track of the album and one of the best sounding tracks on the record.

Soaring guitar licks lift the feel of the track and the album, again transporting the listener to a far away city.

The fuzzy guitars are engrossing and act as a veneer for the deep, dark lyrics throughout the record.

One of the final tracks, With My Eyes Closed, is one example of such lyrics, with lines such as “I close my eyes/to hurt you/to leave you/I never told you/that I/can't stay/it was never meant/to be/for me.”

The bleakness of Expelled From Love resonates with any red-blooded listener and the entire album in itself seems to be a patchwork quilt of stories from the Danish duos' personal journals.

The listener is taken on a journey of despair and debauchery with a smattering of hope thrown in to even things up.

In all, the album is top notch and it is one that will sit highly on this reviewer's list of favourite travel albums for some time to come.

Sorry, where exactly do you think I am?

Voice message left on my phone from HSBC:

"Hi, this message is for David Johns, can you please call HSBC on 1300 163 163 between the hours of 8am to 8pm Monday to Thursday. We're on Sydney time so we're about six hours behind you."

By my calculations, there is no time zone on this planet that is six hours in front of Sydney.

You want me to eat what??

Jessica's tale about "trying something new" at a Japanese restaurant near where she lives has inspired me to talk about some of the more exotic foods I had the oppportunity to try in Japan.

While we were up in the ski resort town of Niseko, we met up with some family friends of Bertie's.

We were lucky enough to be treated to dinner when we met up with them, so out we went with the parents and their two children - a girl called Verity who was about 21 and her younger bother who was 17.

Unlike some people who may be reading this blog, I am not, nor will I ever be, a vegetarian.
I understand why some people choose to go down that path, and I fully respect it, but it ain't for me.

I'm also very adventurous with my food - I'll often try things that I've never heard of before o that sound absolutely disgusting - because let's face it, as long as it's on a menu, someone, somehwere has to think it's okay.

I opened the menu at this resturant and was treated to pictures (in Japan all dishes have photos of them on the menu) of every single part of a chicken you could possibly think of.

It was a yakitori restaurant - which meant the meat/vegetables/animal bits were served on skewers and cooked over hot coals.

Now, when I say they had every bit of the chicken imaginable I mean it - chicken beaks, entrails, livers, kindeys, brains, hearts, feet, necks, the list goes on.

I stopped over the chicken hearts - and kept going, however the young 17-year-old brother we were with ordered a mixed plate - and out came the chicken heart skewer.
I knew what it was, he didn't, and the look on his face should have been enough to put me off trying it --

--but I'm a sucker for a challenge.
So in popped the chicken heart, and, I nearly spewed. It was horrible. It looked like meat and smelt like meat but had the consistency of mashed potato.

That was about as adventurous as I got in Japan. I tried prawns legs and eel, but everything else was "normal" japanese food.

The best part about the whole experience was that sometimes you just weren't sure what you were getting. Be warned - this country is not good for fussy eaters. But I had a ball :)

Do not see this show

I'm a big fan of comedy duo Lano and Woodley.
Having said that, I thought Frank Woodley would still be quite good on his own now that the duo has split up.

How wrong I was.

I went to the opening night of his new show Possessed last Friday - and I walked out.

I've never walked out of a show before - hell, I've never even walked out of the cinema and I've seen some pretty average movies there.

But this was unbearable.
The introduction was him dressed in an old sailor's outfit speaking with a raspy voice and a thick Italian accent - and it went for about ten minutes too long.

The opening scene was a wake-up scene - he woke up on the couch, stumbled up the stairs, fell back down again, stumbled halfway up, fell back down again, repeat ad nauseum.

It was mainly slapstick - but not good slapstick - and the storyline wasn't even very interesting. In fact you probably alread guessed it - he was possessed by a ghost.

We walked out before intermission - the two of us just could not bear it anymore.
Then we went back to Bertie's, played drinking games till late in the night and got ridiculously drunk in a bid to erase the bad memories.

It didn't work.

They're turning! The peasants are revolting!

In what is great news for anti-Bushites like myself, the man has been ridiculed at a summit in Paris put together to tackle greenhouse emissions.
The Germans described his proposal as "neanderthal", saying it was more "losership than leadership." Brilliant.
Other nations smelt blood and went for the jugular.
South Africa blasted Bush's proposal as a "disastrous retreat" by the planet's number one emmitter. It said there was no way SA could agree to what Bush was proposing, describing his administration as "isolated."
And, because they're good at doing this, the French had a go too, saying they were looking forward to the coming election because they felt they could no longer work with the current administration.

I'm looking forward to it too :)

TV quote of the week

From one of the contestants on Biggest Loser after completing a challenge in which he was made to hold a barbell on his shoulders for as long as possible:

"I felt like Jesus on the crucifix."

I saved myself...

...from a crucifixion at the hands of my boss today.

I wrote an email, bitching about her. Went to press send and put in her name instead. Yes, we've all done it before, or at least know people who have, but it was too late - the email had gone.
So I walked up to her desk, she read it, and then I singled out someone in the office and said I was talking about them. To her. And she bought it.

Nice.

Get me out of here!

I am having serious trouble working today.

The vibe in the office was off-kilter from the word go.
Some local PR guy is well overstepping his boundaries and playing "he said" "she said" games between some of our sales staff and their managers.

Then I've got the mousy little casual reporter sitting behind me, who frustrates me to tears.

And to top it all off it's deadline day. And I JUST CAN'T BE BOTHERED.

Somehow I've actually managed to get away with writing the requisite amount of stories - the boss will think no worse of me and I've actually got the front page story for Friday - but that doesn't make me feel like any less of a slacker.

In other news, I'm officially a Facebook slut. Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't added people I don't like or anything like that.
But there's this new function called "People You May Know" - based on mutual friends you have on Facebook.

So for the last, hmm, I don't know, maybe two hours, I've been trawling through names.
It's embarrassing, but I've found about 20 people that I knew fairly well - and added them all.

I feel so cheap.

I look like a freak

Today I had to shave very, very carefully.

You see, on Friday night, I was at the pub having birthday drinks with a few friends. It was late in the night, and my judgement may or may not have been impaired by said birthday drinks.

Anyway, for some unknown reason, I bent down to pick something off the ground, in the process mushing my face into the lit end of my friend's cigarette.

It stung, I laughed, we both felt like idiots, then I forgot about it.

Until returning home later that night.

"Dave, what's that on your face?"

Curious, I walk into the bathroom only to find that "little" cigarette burn was actually quite a nasty one and it broke the skin.

So now I have what I've been told looks like: a) a junkie skin sore (Pete Doherty eat your heart out) b) a bit of tomatoe sauce on my face, or c) a lesion that AIDS sufferers get.

But really, it's nothing serious. I'm just an idiot.

Where do they get off?

Since when did the Liberal Party, the party responsible for one of the most right wing neo-conservative periods in Australian history, become the newfound Compassion Party?

The Labor Government has announced a proposal in the last couple of days regarding the monitoring of employees' emails in high level government jobs in a bid to prevent terrorism.

Now, obviously, I rail against any civil liberties infringements in the name of fighting terrorism (as Michael Palin once said, how does one wage war on an abstract noun?) however this one I don't think is too bad.
If an employee is working in a high-level Government job, I think it is important to prevent national security information leaking out.
However in my opinion, there's got to be a lot of checks and balances put in place to ensure everyone's happy.

Regardless of what my view is on the topic, I just saw the opposition leader, Brendan Nelson, talking out at the proposal. I'm paraphrasing here, but what he said was something along the lines of "National security is important but we need to make sure we don't impinge on civil liberties in the process."

EXCUSE ME??

Would this be the same Brendan Nelson whose Government gave the Australian Federal Police extraordinary powers to hold suspected terrorists without charge for extended periods??

Would this be the same Brendan Nelsons whose Government redefined the term "illegal immigrant" to mean anyone who does not bring an obvious immediate benefit to the country they are trying to live in?

Would this be the same Brendan Nelson whose Government allowed Federal Police unprecedented access to bug phone calls and freeze assets of "suspected terrorists"??

Seriously, give me a break. Two years ago you were trying to to make this country a police state. Now you're concerned about bosses checking their employees emails.

Grr.

You can't touch this

What a glorious day it is today!
I had the pleasure of sleeping in this morning thanks to two consecutive nights of late finishes at work.
So I got up about ten, cooked myself breakfast and then ambled into work by midday. How nice.

But the best part was the weather. It must be about 25C outside at the moment. The sun's warm but there's a light breeze to counter it. The sky is that rich, deep blue mainly reserved for spring days.

Overall, I am bursting out of my skin with happiness for no apparent reason. Seriously, we must live in one of the best cities in the world, weather-wise.

Bring on the weekend I say!

Paris Hilton Free Nude Pics

Real nude pics of Paris.

Inspired by Rachel's story of wayward googlers happening upon her post with the words "ugly boobs" in it, I thought I'd do a little experiment.
Of course, I will never know if the people visiting this site were regular readers or 16-year-olds jumping on the internet quickly while their parents are at work - but it will be interesting to see if my little dragon counter on the right hand side ticks over any faster.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I don't have free nude pics of Paris. Sorry.

My favourite ever reality TV show

And the winner is: Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

Seriously guys, this show is great. Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant/cafe/food preparation business of any type will enjoy this thoroughly.

Now, I've seen some bad things in my 7-odd years of working in restaurants.

I've seen some skanky food, some dodgy food preparation techniques, some unhygienic-looking chefs, but this show really takes the cake.
Some of the conditions these restaurants are in are absolutely appalling - if health inspectors were to find these restaurants in the state they are in when Ramsay inds them, they would be shut down automatically.

But it's not just that. The best bit is how he talks to the people in the show. He swears his box off and he yells, ridicules and insults everyone who is responsible for the state of the restaurant.

This might not seem like such a funny thing in itself, but if you've ever worked with chefs, you know that's what they're really like.

Check it out - Tuesday nights at 8.30pm, straight after Moment of Truth. Hey, at least you won't have to switch channels. Yes Lindsay. I'm talking to you.

Bits and boobs. (At Observer's request)

It has been brought to my attention that I failed to give a critique of how Rage Against the Machine were at Big Day Out back in February.
A conversation last night went a little something like this:

"Hey Dave, how was Rage Against the Machine?"
"Has it been that long since I've seen you?"
"Yeah, and you didn't blog about it."

Far be it from me to not give the readers what they want, so here is a brief summary:
They were absolutely fantastically brilliant and exceeded all my expectations. :)

In other news:

- Young Bertie has finally done the big move out of home and settled into an awesome little place on the West Leederville side of Wembley. It's tucked away on a no through road, surrounded by some incredibly expensive houses and you can hardly view the house from the road because of the steep, winding, leafy green driveway. Brilliant. The housewarming will be an affair to remember.

- My parents have taken off for a four week sojourn to Europe to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. They're staying in London, Paris, Amsterdam (I know, I know) and Dubai. Nice. Which also means I have their house. Doubly nice.

- The West Coast Eagles' fall from grace is complete. They're now officially a crap team. I know it's only a few games in, but their performances so far have been dismal. Just putting it out there now - we won't make the top eight this year and we will need another year or two of rebuilding before we can have a crack at the flag again.

- My favourite music of late has been The Wombats' CD, Faker's new album and The Raveonettes, all of which are bloody brilliant. I will get around to posting reviews on here some time.

When I grow up, I want to be an Information Minister

Do you remember Saddam Hussein's Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf? He was the one that was telling foreign journalists things like: "We have them surrounded in their tanks" on the top of a Baghdad hotel as TV cameras caught American and British tanks rapidly closing in on the city in the background.

Well, it seems Iraq wasn't the only dictatorship to employ an information minister to churn out lies and propaganda.

Zimbabwe's deputy information Minister, Bright Matonga, (I want a name like that too) said today on radio that the reason for Robert Mugabe's poor showing in the polls was because the party had only put in a 25 per cent effort in the campaign leading up to the election.
But never fear, he said, in what is likely to be a run-off election for the president, Mr Matonga said the party would unleash the remaining 75 per cent.

See, now, for me, this raises a few questions. Firstly, that means that the fact the country is experiencing inflation up around 100,000% has nothing to do with the poll results. Secondly, what the hell were the party doing only putting in a quarter effort? Didn't they want to win? And why do they now?
And finally, what would have happened if they'd lost? I guess they wouldn't have wasted quite so much energy campaigning for a lost cause, but still...

I want to be an information minister. I reckon I'd be great at it - I mean, it's not that different from what I do now.
The only difference is I wouldn't be bound by that annoying factor called truth.

Raunchy Puppets

Last night I went to one of the opening shows of a puppet festival that is on in Perth at the moment.

The show was called Cabaret Decadense - and it was sheer brilliance.

Hailing from Canada, the three puppeteers put on an adults only cabaret show that had the crowd in stitches - from Conrad the French transvestite to Kiko the Latin lover, the show was absolutely fantastic.

I'm a big fan of puppets and puppeteers and I absolutely loved every second of it - even the part where they pulled an audience member on stage and one of the puppets did a carabet dance all over him.

If you can, check it out.

Alcohol and addiction

Last night, like most of Australia, I watched Aussie footballer Wayne Carey pour out his personal life to Andrew Denton.
I didn't intend to watch it - I was going to change channels and watch the rest of the comedy festival - but the two seconds I did see got me hooked.

Now, I want to get one thing clear - I didn't watch the interview to gloat, or to laugh at the train wreck that this once great footballer had become. Like most people watching it, I just wanted to know why - and to see if I could figure him out for myself.

And do you know what I saw? I saw a man in the throes of addiction. There was nothing funny about this interview. Denton went in deep, discussing allegations of domestic violence and alchoholism concerning his father and then asking questions that essentially linked Carey with the disease.

I know from personal exprience the devastating effects alcoholism can have on family and friends. The fact that it is a legal drug makes it all the more easier to go unnoticed for a longer period of time.
The worst part is, that when someone's in the throes of addiction they know that what they're doing is out of the ordinary. They often are acutely aware of the gradual slide - they can feel it happening to them - yet they can't, won't or don't know how to stop.

Last night, we saw a man who hit rock bottom.
We saw a man who couldn't remember a lot of the major scandals/incidents that had been highly publicised - because he'd been so drunk he'd forgotten.
We saw a man who had destroyed his life - he was the captain of a successful football team, and he had a gorgeous wife with a young baby - all of which he threw away due to poor decision making.

The fact that he was in the public eye meant that rock bottom was a little harder than for most of us, but he was at the point where it could only get better from here on in.
He's got a long, tough road in front of him.