You know someone (fate, God, whatever) is taking the piss when...

...the water pump in your car kicks the bucket 24 hours after said car spent the day at the mechanic's workshop.

To boldly laugh where no man has laughed before

I just got back from seeing the new Star Trek movie and can I say - it was sensational. I was going to go on about how it is a great prequel, about how Zachary Quinto and Simon Pegg just got cooler (if that's possible) and about how it appeals to Trekkies and non-Trekkies alike but...

...but instead I'm going to write about the tosser that was sitting next to me.

When we got there we sat in the row with two seats separating me from the nearest stranger, as I often like to sit at the movies. He made some comment about him not biting or smelling so if we wanted to move up we could. I laughed politely and then decided that since it was a preview and it would most likely be packed out, it would be wise to move up.

That was a decision I would live to regret.

The guy proceeded to laugh wildly throughout most of the movie - I mean, he was literally slapping his leg. Which would be okay if we were at the latest Ben Stiller film. But we weren't. It went a little like this:

Scene: Bad guy gets killed.

Reaction: Raucous laughter.

Scene: Vicious alien attacks character.

Reaction: Raucous laughter.

Scene: Character comes close to dying but is saved at the last moment.

Reaction: Raucous laughter.

Luckily the movie was good enough to drown him out for the most part. I'd definitely recommend watching it - as long as you leave yourself a seat or two between the nearest stranger.

Now THIS email's speaking my language...

I'm still giggling at this one I received this morning. And in case you're wondering, I am most definitely signing up :)

Hello Dave,

As you will already be aware, Daves are the backbone of this nation.
From Dave the second King of Israel (who defeated Goliath) to Dave Hasslehoff (who brought the world Baywatch) throughout history, the contribution of Dave has been vital to mankind.

It is only right that this mammoth effort is recognised and celebrated – so we are set to petition government to launch a public holiday in honour of all Daves.
We need your help to make the dream of Dave Day a reality.

Through our Facebook group we hope to bring together such a clamour of voices that we can’t possibly be ignored.

Earn the righteous name Dave by:

• Joining our facebook group ‘Dave Day –Together Daves can make it happen!’ - to watch videos, download campaign posters and badges etc and to tell us exactly why you believe there should be a national Dave day.
• Change your profile on social media sites (Twitter, Facebook, etc.) for the rest of the week to encourage other Dave’s to join the campaign.
• Blog, Twitter, and email people about it. Do your bit and together we’ll make Dave Day happen.

Join us at- http://tinyurl.com/comjv9

Regards,

David Davidson

Received via email this week

So far I've received ten emails this week from a crazy woman who, for all intents and purposes, seems to have been named the new suburb manager for Neighbourhood Watch in her area.
I'm quite certain English is her second language and even then, it's a bit of a push to say that she's mastered the basics of it. Add to that her insistence on using capital letters and it's always quite a funny read - if you can decipher it.

But the best email by far that I have received from her seems to be proposing to shut down an entire suburb for "refurbishments." I'm not sure what refurbishments she had in mind, nor why it was necessary to shut down an entire suburb for them, but it's an interesting proposition. I've included a sample below of one of her emails, reproduced in its original form. Enjoy.

IT WAS SUCH BUSSY PLACE @ MY HOUSE EITHER; I APOLOGISE FOR MISSPELL OF YOUR 1ST NAME; I READ THOROUGHLY YOURS EMAIL CRIME REPORT1; 1ST THING IN THE MORNING I WILL BRING YOU YOURS NHW SAFETY\SECURITY KIT & THE RECRUITMENT FORM TO YOIN NHW AS YOURS STREET\SECTION OF HWY CO-ORDINATOR ~ IF YOU ACCEPTED THIS OFFER: TO BE 1 OF NHW OWN I WILL CUT YOU YOURS INTERIM NHW BADGE ON THE SITE & EXPLAIN TO YOU MORE DETAILS ON YOURS BADGE DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES IN OUR COMMUNITY OF THE SUBURB OF NORTH FREMANTLE ~ NORTH PORTH FREMANTLE EG. YESTERDAY I PATROLED "J" STREET I EVEN COULDNT LOCATE; QUITE "JENNY" WHO SUFFERED SAME FATE AS YOU MYMICHAEL; THINKING AGAIN,; N PORT FREMANTLE MUST BE CLOSED TOTALLY FOR THAT\OUR BIG MEETING REFURBISHMENTS ; THUS I AM SENDING THIS EMAIL TO OUR SGT MCCORMICK TOO ~ NHW MUST\WILL BE IN YOURS SERVICE MICHAEL1 ; ENTIRE NORTH PORT FREMANTLE ~ SUBURB OF NORTH FREMANTLE IBID. I AND BAILEY ~ NHW1 POOCH MADE SO MANY FRIENDS EVEN @ THE CITY OF COTTESLOE1


Seriously.

By Dave and his Whirlpool

My housemate began some writing of sorts for a local magazine the other day. The magazine, called Whingeing Pom, is produced here in Perth for English ex-pats.

Desh, being a chef (and being English) was asked to contribute a couple of traditional English recipse for the food section.
Anyway, he received a copy of it the other day. It was his first published work and the look on his face when he opened up the magazine and saw his name in print was akin to the look a child gets when they open that first Christmas present and it's exactly what they wanted.

It reminded me of how I felt the first time I saw my name in print. I remember the day disticntly - our uni class had an exhibition to the Perth Institute of Contemporary Arts and one of the lecturers had grabbed a bundle of our first edition of the uni paper to hand out when we left the building.

The story itself was unremarkable, but the swell of pride I got when I saw my name in front of me in a published newspaper was pretty cool.
Seeing Desh the other day made me wonder why we feel that way when we see our name in print. Sure, the novelty has worn off a little after seeing it in the paper every week for a period of years, but it's still pretty cool. Why? Lots of people do much better work around the world with less recognition than that. It's not like I'm changing the world in a drastic way.
I put it down to it having something to do with the idea that I'm leaving my mark in the world.
I don't know whether it's a good or a bad thing but I know that seeing your name in a newspaper at the top of a good story feeds the ego pretty well...

Red Tulip

I'm sitting here chomping through one of those Red Tulip chocolate bunnies. It's not quite 11am and I've almost finished the thing.

I'm not sure what it is about Easter but to me, it's one of the only times of the year when eating chocolate before - nay, for - breakfast is acceptable.

I don't care what eggs I receive as long as I get one of those chocolate bunnies. I'm not sure why they appeal to me so much but it's something about munching the ears off and then working my way down that I enjoy.

Kate blogged about it already and I have to agree. There's something about Easter that is totally awesome. I don't know what it is or why it is. Maybe it's something to do with the four day long weekend. All I know is that I'm off to my parents' now for a nice family lunch (without the extended family) and I feel sick because that rabbit I was chomping on when I started writing this post is now gone.

Black Holes and Revelations

This week has been positively crazy.
The powers that be at my work decided my branch would be singled out for the second stage of an editorial revamp this week. Apparently the powers that be didn't remember it was an extra short week because of Easter and as such, we had three days to do something in which we would normally have five.
So I was a bit stressed out this week. Which is unlike me. I don't normally do stress. But it's all good, and the papers are done and we can all go home happy. For four days.

Why am I telling you this? I guess because I feel a little bit guilty that I posted below on how I haven't posted in ages and it's all about me and then I go and do something like don't post for a week. But it's not you, it's me. Really.

Anyway I have to tell you all about this awesomely funny new site I was introduced to the other day. It's called spEak You're branes and is a collection of the best (worst) comments from the Have Your Say site at the BBC. For anyone who has ever been frustrated, upset, or made to feel dumber by people posting stupid comments on stories online, this is the site for you. Not only does it show the comments but then it comments on the comments with razor sharp wit and lashings of sarcasm. Genius.

Hi there. How've you been?

Sorry I haven't blogged much of late. To tell you the truth, I've been pretty self-involved over the past couple of weeks.
What with some big changes happening at work, relationship stuff and me quitting smoking (regular readers of this blog will know that me quitting smoking happens about twice a year) I have neglected a few important things in my life.

I've missed friends' birthdays, not read anyone's blogs and skipped goodbye drinks. But I think I've sort of emerged from it all now. Don't get me wrong, I've been okay, I haven't been depressed or anything, I've just been dealing with stuff.

Having said all that, I am no longer a smoker. I'm pretty sure I've said that before on this blog only to be a smoker days later so allow me to explain. I've been taking this new anti-smoking medication called Champix. You get it on prescription and it's a 12 week course. It does two things: blocks the receptor in your brain that makes you feel the nicotine rush or head spin and stops you from feeling cravings.
I actually quit two and a half weeks ago, but I've been a bit hesitant to blog about it until I'd gone through a couple of weekends because I've blogged loud and clear in the past about quitting, only to fail miserably a short time after.
Sooo after the initial hacking period during which the mucus that came out of my chest resembled some kind of bad Aboriginal art piece, I am feeling pretty fantastic right now. My wallet is also sharing the elation. So right now it's all good :)
Anyway you'll have to excuse me. I have a week's worth of blogs to catch up on.